To my mother,
I see you. I hear your words, I watch your movements, I see you. I wish I understood why we fight, or why we don't speak to each other sometimes. I wish I understood why I cause you so much grief sometimes, or why I make you feel tired. I know my mental health puts pressure on you and dad. Sometimes I wish I was born without any complications so I could show you how amazing you are. I know I push you away, and I know how strenuous that is. I constantly feel the need to tell you how sorry I am for the way I am. This isn't your fault or dad's. My brain is wired differently, and I wish I could explain that without you feeling like I'm failing you as a daughter. Watching you panic or cry because of my health is something I never wished to happen. I never wished to be suicidal or to cut myself. I would never have wanted this life for you. If I could go back to the day I told you about trying to kill myself, I would've been more gentle. I wouldn't have spewed my words at you like the bullets that they were. I would've made sure you were comforted by my confirmation that I was okay.
I will never forget the first time I saw the tears glistening in your eyes, knowing I was the cause. I will never forget all the kinds words you gave me to grow into the woman I am today. Despite all our fighting and all of the pain we've endured, I will always be thankful you are my mother.
To my father,
I understand your motions and your words much more than I used to. I watch you as your hands create stories and your words create silhouettes of how our lives should've been. I remember watching you are your mother died, finally understanding that you aren't always the big, tough guy I pictured as a child. I will always be "daddy's little girl", even though I'm no longer a teenager. I wish I understood the stress I caused our family when I felt myself dying. I never understood your anger and frustrations until I saw your face after the last time I hurt myself. The pain I feel and the pain I am in is not yours or mother's fault. I wish I could comfort you with my words instead of using them as daggers to cut our family apart. I wish I never caused you pain, or suffering of any kind. When I first opened up to you, telling you everything I've thought and acted on, I remember watching the pain and hurt in your eyes. I wish we could go back to when times were simpler, and we were camping in the backyard like we always used to do. I will never forget every moment you've told me you're proud of me, because I always feel like such a disappointment. I will forever be grateful for our relationship, and what we have as father and daughter.
I will always remember feeling warm and young when I think about camping, or when I watch The Power Puff Girls because it reminds me of everything we share. From our fights, to our laughs, and everything in between, you will always be the best dad to ever exist.
To my parents,
I know I'm not as swift with my words as I want to be, but I am forever your biggest fan. I will always be your little girl. I love you, and I have always loved you. I will love you with every ounce of my being until there is nothing left of me. Thank you for helping me grow and learn more about life and how beautiful it really is.
