When one is the embodiment of the bridge between two things, one can become crowded with different ideas and expectations. In my case, I am the bridge between Chinese and American culture.
For the most part, I haven’t had many problems meshing these traditions and expectations into myself. I am Asian-American after all, supposedly having the best of both worlds. But when it comes to interacting with people of the Chinese culture, I am sometimes at a loss. Recently, the confusion for me has been about “favors.”
In my understanding, favors are things or tasks one asks of their friends or family to do for them. This favor doesn’t require for the other person to accept, but if they do, it is as if one has put some extra burden upon whoever accepts. In return for this favor, one feels gratitude. In other times, one sometimes feels like he/she owes the other person something and has a debt unpaid.
This is definitely how I felt about favors. I never asked people for help, but I didn’t mind doing things for others and never thought they owed me anything in return. But the unspoken agreement is that to ask one for a favor, the person asking must be unable to perform the task themselves, and so they are asking for help in something they cannot do. Because of this belief, I naturally became annoyed when my sister asked me for small favors like getting water for her from downstairs. I was annoyed because she could do it herself.
When I told my mom about my sister’s petty requests, she only said, “It’s because she loves you.”
“…loves for me to do stuff for her,” I would think to myself for many years.
But what I didn’t understand at the time was that favors have a whole other dynamic in addition to that one in Chinese culture. It is also seen as something that strengthens two people’s bond, rather than something that strains it.
Instead of a favor being thought of as a burden, it is thought of as an opportunity to allow someone to become closer to someone. It is a way of letting someone else know that he/she is needed. (This especially applies to small favors.) Although the two people are independent and are able to do things themselves, they still depend upon each other in small ways and in large. And when there is this kind of exchange of actions and reliance, a relationship strengthens.
Instead of “Could you get me some water from downstairs?” meaning “I’m too lazy to go downstairs and I can do it myself, but since you’re here, I won’t have to do it,” it actually means, “I can totally do this myself, and maybe I am a little lazy, but I want you to know that I depend on you and that you can also depend on me.”
After someone does one a favor, one is more than happy to return the favor.
And in this way, a relationship continues to grow and grow into something healthy, strong, and beautiful.
