I Want Missy Elliott To Adopt Me

I love my mom a lot. I know it’s not very "cool" or "onfleek" to admit that in an Odyssey article, but it’s true! In addition to being an incredibly nurturing and supportive mother, she’s a driven, multi-talented writer and producer who is always overseeing a million cool projects and events around Los Angeles. She’s an inspiration, and I couldn’t ask for a better mother.

That said, if Missy Elliott offered to adopt me, I would immediately accept her offer, no questions asked.

Maybe you have some questions. Totally fair! Allow me to elaborate.

I remember my first experience with Missy like it was yesterday. The date was March 10, 2016, and I was working in a sardine cannery, making sure none of the sardines were still alive before they were canned. On this particular day, my boss Wendell pulled me aside and told me that I had accidentally allowed a live sardine to be canned, and when an unsuspecting family opened a can the sardine spoiled Season 2 of Homeland, which they hadn’t seen. Naturally, I was fired. Apparently my loud sobbing was making a scene, so Wendell led me into his office and showed me Missy’s iconic video for “Get Ur Freak On” to calm me down. When I saw Missy extend her neck like a 10-foot snake, I instantly felt a connection, like I had known this woman my entire life. And when I saw her spit into a dancer’s mouth, I turned to Wendell and said, “This woman needs to be my mother now.”

Everyone needs a strong figure in their life to offer guidance, and no one has given me more guidance in life than Missy Elliott. The first time I ever heard about sex was on her classic 2002 single “Work It,” and as far as I’m concerned, “This the kinda beat that go ra-ta-ta/Ra-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta” is the only sex ed I’ll ever need.

If you’ve ever seen a picture of me and heard a Missy Elliott song, you can tell we’re kindred spirits. Look at the cover of her 2003 album "This Is Not a Test!"

Now look at this picture of me from ninth grade.

I could be one of those ladies standing on the tank! I could be one of the dogs! Literally the only reason I’m not on this cover is because she was not my legal guardian!

I’m not the only one who’s open to the idea. In 2008, Missy told People magazine, “I don’t know if I can handle that kind of pain [of labor]. Maybe in the year 2020 you could just pop a baby out and it’d be fine. But right now I’d rather just adopt.” Well, it’s not 2020 and that technology doesn’t exist yet, so right now your best bet is to adopt a college student who wrote an online article about you.