Dear you,

Why do I miss you? Why is it that every single night the last thing to cross my mind is you and if you're okay? Why can't I shake you? Why do you have such a strong imprint on me?

There's a specific hole in my heart and every time I hear your voice or kiss your lips or am wrapped in your arms it's filled not just perfectly, but abundantly. I feel like I can walk on water when I'm holding your hand. I feel like the world around us no longer exists when you kiss me. Every single worry, doubt, or negative thought vanishes into thin air the second you're in my presence. I wish I knew why you have this effect on me. You were never my boyfriend, although for years that's all I wished you were. It was clear to everyone anyways that you were mine, and I was undoubtedly yours.

Since the day I met you, my life has forever been altered. You challenged me to be original and true to myself. You always ragged on me for trying to change just so I would fit in. Bless your heart for that. I am who I am because of you. You were my best friend, my rock, even after all the stupid arguments and months of not talking, the minute we spoke again, everything warped right back to where we left off. Now, here I am years later still crazy about you. Still, to this day, I know that my love for you is real because no matter what stupid scenario happens, I forgive you without a second thought because not having you as a part of my life is way worse than any torture I can imagine. You get me. You hate to admit it, but you think I'm funny. You laugh at my immature jokes, and you constantly remind me that my facial expressions give away what I'm trying to refrain from saying in public. (yeah, I'm blessed with that wonderful ability.) You tell me my body is a work of art sculpted by the hands of God himself. You make it clear that you enjoy just laying up with me because we can talk about the deepest, most intellectual things, or even simple, stupid things, but the conversation is never boring. Hell, when we were 17 our "dates" consisted of regularly skipping out on whatever we were actually going to do to sit in the car and sing obnoxiously along to whatever came on the radio and talk about what we did at school or sports that week. You're the reason I speak what's on my mind because you told me that my thoughts are worth talking about. You listened to me before I developed a filter, and far before I learned how to not ramble on for hours trying to tell one freaking story. You are the major reason I listen to what other people have to say, and the reason I actually enjoy it. [Life tip for everyone out there: if you intently listen to what someone has to say, you learn a lot more about them as a person and can probably pick up on more than just the story on the surface.] <-- life lessons you taught me.

I'll never forget the day when I told you "I love you", I mean, it only took me 5 years to admit it out loud... But despite being blackout drunk, I remember the conversation perfectly (that's the only thing I can remember from that night, tbh). I told you to say it back, and you refused. You kept saying we'll talk about it tomorrow, but then I looked you in the eyes, I think you could sense that I was hurt by the thought that you didn't love me back; then, you said: "I've always loved you, that's why I'm still here". It floored me. No matter how many times we fall apart, no matter how many idiotic arguments, no matter how many other significant others we try and convince ourselves are right for us, I still care. I'll always care. I can try and pretend that another guy may be right for me, and yeah, I'll admit that from time to time I am interested in someone else when we go on one of our no-contact hiatuses, but it never works out for a reason; those other guys will never be you. They will never have the history or the chemistry we have. They will never have your charisma, charm, or personality. They will never save me every single time I make a dumb decision. They will never hold me and tell me I'm beautiful when I'm crying hysterically. They will never understand my frustration when I have to erase a word because I misspelled it. They will never understand my love for acoustic music. They will never show up at my house with flowers and my favorite candy bar to apologize for ditching a date that wasn't even a planned date. They will never buy a candle because one time, 4 years ago, I said it smelled like happiness. They will never drive around for hours with me with no destination in mind just because I had a strange day. They will never teach me how to properly throw a spiral. They will never be able to come close to you. THEY CAN NEVER BE YOU. They can't fill YOUR hole in my heart.

I want you safe. I want you healthy. I want you happy. I want you to feel so loved for the rest of your life that maybe you'll stop with all the stupid things that get you in trouble so you don't keep leaving me. I need you. I absolutely hate to have to admit that. But there's a piece of me that's incomplete without you, and it kills me. I wish I could tell you this. I wish I could've told you this when I first realized it, but now it's too late. I miss you. I wish I could hug you again. Maybe if the universe is on our side, we finally will end up together, but only time will tell. Until that day...

Love,

Me