This is the hardest article I have had to write yet. Though I feel like this is necessary to do, it might only be relatable to anyone who has lost a parent.
Dear Daddy-O,
Life without you has definitely been weird, that’s for sure. I don’t even know where to begin. I know it has been nearly eight years since I have seen you, but I miss you every day. The funny part is, when you passed away, I had really just learned what death meant. I didn’t know when someone died, they were truly gone forever, until you passed.
I guess I should start off by saying that I am sorry. I am sorry for how I was to you, and for not answering the phone that night. I was mad at you, and didn’t want to talk to you. Though if I would have known that that would be the last time I would ever hear your voice, I would have answered it in a heartbeat. I am sorry for not appreciating you more, and I am sorry for not loving you more.
I remember when you lived in Tennessee, we would always write letters to one another. So in a way, that is what this is. You would always write to me saying Dear Baby-O, and I would always start by saying Dear Daddy-O. That’s what we called each other, and we always ate spaghetti-Os.
I can recall so many things, and I wish you were here to laugh about them with me. Like the time we found a drunk Elmo on the streets in Nashville. Or the time when you found that Pooh bear and cleaned him up, then the dogs ran off with him. You used to take us to Uncle Dale’s house to swim when we visited in the summer, and that’s where my birthdays usually were. I remember when Samantha and I played soccer (and failed at it), you went to the games and practices that you could. You always got us pizza, and I remember you doing some of my math homework. You were such a loving father, and I never doubted your love for us kids. Whenever I was upset, you would do anything to make me happy again. From making my bowl of honeycombs, to watching Pokémon with me. You would draw things, and take pictures, and I have every single one that you gave to me.
I always wonder what you would think of me, if you were here. Would you be proud of my achievements, disappointed in my failures? What advice would you give me? Would we be close? That’s the awful part about losing a parent when you are a kid, I never had the chance to really get to know you. It took me forever to really learn my mother, and I have known her for 18 years.
The process of grief sucks daddy-o, you know that? I was so angry at God for so long. Why would he take you away from us? I hated hearing, “Oh, he is in a better place,” or “He isn’t in pain,” or “He is with God, so rejoice.” Yeah, that is all nice, but I want him here with me. We are his right place. I still feel a little angry sometimes, but I try not to. I know God has a plan for everything, and your job here on Earth was done.
The hardest part about losing you so far has been graduating and going away to college. I pick up my phone to search for your number, only to realize it isn’t there. I used to watch this old home video on my old VHS TV, just to see and hear you. I wish I knew what you thought about me going to college. I will admit, I do get a little jealous when I see someone with two parents. I know it is bad, and I try not to. I just can’t help it sometimes. So badly I want to see you, and us to play video games together. I want to watch TV with you, and really talk to you.
I do want you to know that I am doing fine, and I am having fun. I have made a lot of amazing friends and sisters, who I wish could get to know you. I have learned so much, and I have had so many experiences. I am not the 11 year old who last saw you, but she is still inside of me because I have not changed that much.
I guess I should end this letter, though I could probably ramble on for 30 more pages. I am so bad about rambling and mumbling, you used to get on me for that. I had a certain way to draw things out, especially goodbyes. Which I am doing right now. I will try to write again one day, as it has helped get my feelings out. I know we will see each other one day, and I cannot wait.
Love you forever and always,
Baby-O
P.S.- I will always remember how you cut off every sleeve of your shirts, and every leg of your pants. You only ever wore sleeves or pants to church and other nice events. I love you so much daddy-o.
Once again, I am sorry for how jumpy this was. If you have ever lost your parent, just know that you aren’t alone. No words will ever heal that, and it doesn’t get easy or better with time. It still hurts so much. However, it does get better in terms of dealing with grief.
