This is the story of a day I never thought I would see past. If you believe suicide is selfish, please do not stop reading here because hopefully, after this, you'll realize people do not do it to hurt others more to help themselves. Well, so we think. Now, this is a long story. If you choose to read this, please don't judge me, please don't pity me. Just take it as no one is ever alone in whatever you are going through. Thank you and enjoy.

February 22nd, 2015 the day was warmer than usual for a February. The previous night was the night I lost my best friend. The first love of my life drove over to my house to have dinner with my family. Well, at least that was the plan he told me. He pulled up into my driveway and I waved for him to come in. He waved for me to come out. I walked to his car sat down in the passenger seat. He turned looked at me and said, "I'm sorry, Taylor, I can't do this anymore." At first, I was confused and it didn't feel real. I got out of the car with my eyes filling with tears with every breath I took. I stood on my porch staring at him put his car in reverse with not even a single tear in his eye. I ran off the porch and yelled for him to stop with whatever voice I had left. He rolled down his window. I am still the only once grasping for air and I begged him to not do this and hoped he wasn't serious but he was. He then drove completely away. I closed and locked my front door, let my knees give out and let myself fall to the floor. I felt as if my chest was going to give in. I ran into my dad's room barely being able to form words because anytime I tried to talk I just cried harder and louder than before. My dad began telling me it was not my fault, it's his loss. I believed none of that and continued to let the pain eat me away every minute. I left my dads room to only lock myself away in my room and stare at a blank wall. This blank wall seemed as if it was playing a movie of my life with him still in it. I saw every memory we made together, all the laughs, tears, kisses, touches, accidentally bumping into each other and even the occasional elbow to the eye. The fact of him felt so unreal it was like a dream... a bad one. The time passes every aching minute seemed to get slower as I sat and cried to a wall with nothing but things to remind me of how hard it will be without him. The night drags and the tears get colder with every one of them rolling down my face. I didn't sleep that night.

The next day was a Monday and I begged my mom to let me stay home from school. Bearing the thought of seeing him at every corner I turned made my chest tighten. My mom called me off school and my dad is at home. My mom leaves for work that day at 8:43 a.m. and my dad sat and talked to me and wanted to make sure I was okay. Of course, I said I was, but all I felt was a complete emptiness. It is 9:38 a.m. and my dad heads off to the bank because I said, "I'm trying to get some sleep, I need sleep." The garage door closes and I sit and stare at the ceiling wondering what life was supposed to feel like if I was meant to be happy. I got up and walked downstairs to get a glass of water. I froze and just felt like all I needed to do was to take something to sleep. I went and looked in the spice cabinet out of all places. It seemed to be that I saw through everything in there and saw my mom hide my depressants behind some spices just in case. Now I haven't been on any antidepressants in months, so I don't quite remember how they made me feel. But I figured it would be better than I did now. I walked upstairs with my cup of water and a bottle of anti-depressants sat down next to the scale in my parents' bedroom and twiddled the bottle of pills between my hands flipping it turning it just avoiding the voice in my head telling me that there is nothing and no one left for me now. I stood up looked in the mirror and saw nothing inside. I opened the bottle of pills and poured them out on the counter and stared at them, thinking maybe this could take away all the emotional pain that caused its own type of physical pain I never endured before. I took two pills at a time while thinking of everyone I've lost, every horrible thing that has happened to me in my entire life. (The common question is what could have been so bad in 18 years. I'll get to that later.) Now I looked down and saw nothing left on the counter so I took the pill bottle with me and laid in my parents' bed looking down between my phone and the bottle of pills. I picked up my phone and dialed my only friend who knew where it was to be in my shoes. She's the one who saved my life that day. I called my dad apologizing after getting off the phone with her. After that, it all went away and I began to slip away. The few things I remember after that was hearing my dad cry as he tried to carry me; the EMT sticking me for an IV and bleeding out because they hit an artery. (Still have a scar from that mess.) I woke up in the emergency room with a nurse sitting by my side. She was one of the nicest human beings I have met. She didn't judge me as many were about to, she held my hand and told me she does not want to see me back here because I have so much to live for. She was right. I might not have believed it then, sometimes fight to believe it now, but there are some things I still have to do here. After I was released I had begun treatment at Linden Oaks. Now Linden Oaks has a reputation of "crazy" people go there. That's far from true. People that go into Linden Oaks have struggles in their life some others do not, others have addictions, and some were born with mental illness. Does that make us crazy? No, it makes us stronger, diverse, compassionate, and after all not alone as we feel.

Now as I didn't originally want to go through the treatment, I needed it. My life has changed since I had to work with Marty, my therapist, assigned when I started. The way we connected was beyond expected. Marty showed me reasons to live even though I saw none. He continues to brighten my days with his silly metaphors, jokes, and the Krispy Kreme doughnuts, of course. Most of all Marty gave me "my person," Jacquee was a girl I dream to only be. Her smile lights up the room, her words push me through even my toughest of days. She was one of the hardest goodbyes in the program. She makes me feel like every flaw I have is still beautiful, no matter how much I disagree.We are normally not supposed to keep in contact with people in the program because of safety reasons but we just couldn't separate from each other because the bond we created was inseparable. Jacquee and I finally both left program and we were better than when we began. Of course, we have days, but we have each other now. Living past an attempted suicide is something I am proud of because it has shaped me into who I am.

At this point, many may stop reading, but this is a story I'm proud of telling. The reason on February 22nd, 2015, I tried to take my own life was because I need the emotional pain to end. When I was young my mom had received two kidney transplants. The first failed, but we were blessed to have her receive the second one. No one understands the struggle of seeing your mom sit on a machine for hours die slowly every time knowing there is nothing you can possibly do. At this same time, my dad traveled more the sixty percent of the time and I felt the responsibility of taking care of her, because she should not have to do it on her own. The same year my mom received her kidney, my aunt crystal passed away surprisingly. She was my best friend. I could always go to her. She was one of the people I wanted to tell everything to. A few years have passed the average family issues happen, but you still wish to change it. I reached eighth grade and my grandfather went in for hip surgery. The surgery seemed to go well, then he was acting weird and the nurses did not catch anything right away and he had suffered a huge stroke and was transported to ICU. Later that month my grandmother had fallen down the stairs and also suffered a stroke. Both my grandparents were put in a nursing home. My grandfather contracted pneumonia and passed away February 26th, 2012. My grandmother proceeded to get worse after he had passed and she passed away July 16, 2012. I held my grandmother's hand as she took her last breath. At that point, I felt as if I killed her.

After both were buried, I started high school and every day of it was hell. I was brutally bullied every day. It began with basic insults on being fat and ugly. Then quickly escalated to people telling me to kill myself and the world would be much better off without me. Every day they seemed to word it different than the last. Finally, the end of sophomore year was approaching and it is May 17th, 2014, which is graduation night! A lot of friends I had were graduating. My best friend was graduating. He and his family have been apart of my life for about 4 years now. Our families were best friends doing everything together. The ceremony was over and we promised to come over to help prep for the party tomorrow. My mom and I walked down there in our comfy clothes, T-shirts and sweats. The night seemed to go as planned everyone having a fun time laughing and enjoying each other. I went to go charge my phone in the family room. I fell asleep as usual.

I've done that so many times before, but this time didn't go like any other time before.

This was the night my best friend's dad and father sexually assaulted me. This night was the first night I had actual thoughts of attempting to commit suicide. How could I live on? How can I tell anyone? That next week I broke down in school. Sitting in my counselor's office for hours, not saying anything. I finally gave her the statement I wrote about the night. She told me she had to tell the officer at our school, I begged her not too. He came in took the paper and wrote it all over again. I called my parents to let them know what had happened. From there on I feel my parents look at me differently, nothing will ever feel the same because I can never trust fully again. The view of men I have is different. Parts of my life ended that day. My parents wanted to take it to court, so we went to the child advocacy center. Trial began. It has been almost three years and we still have no verdict. In the middle of all this, I became an advocate for Stephanie's Law (House bill 816) because sex offenders with no "evidence" get off easy and never pay for what they've done and this bill stops it. After trial began, I met a boy who I loved wholeheartedly with nothing less than everything I was. Unfortunately, I was not as important now. I realized that after the constant emotional abuse, the cheating, and lying. That carried on for three years with the break up in February which pushed me over an edge I was balancing on for a long time. The same summer I met this boy, my best friend was almost taken from me. My mom almost lost her life one more time. This time I really thought I was going to loose her, because of the blood clot she was enduring (number three at this point.). I felt like God hated me and wanted me to be nothing but miserable. It's now come to February and here I was thinking I would never live to see another day.

Today is February 19th, 2017 and today I'm feeling like even though there's so much history, I will move on one day. I will live for tomorrow. Some days are harder than others, and some I really dream about giving up. I know that for now, that's not the option.

Thank you to Jacquee for being my person. Thank you for Marty for being a therapist no one can replace. Thank you to family and friends who know what I feel and go through. A close thank you to my parents for pushing through this with me when I know it's not easy with constant changing moods. Thank you for holding my hand until I woke up from what could have been goodbye. For that, I'm sorry we didn't have a proper goodbye. I appreciate you both more than anyone will understand. Thank you for being my parents and giving me a reason to wake up the next morning. A special thank you to Meghan for saving me that day. You should know i thank you every day. A special thank you to me for being able to go through life with worries and concerns, but knowing someone will catch me if I fall

Thank you for listening.

Love always and forever,

Taylor <3