My life. I'm not even a real senior. I'm just a first year senior. I have a whole two years before I'll be leaving to go anywhere. But leaving and saying goodbye are the worst things I can imagine.
Change is inevitable. I can't prevent it. But if I could, if I really could, I would.
I was not one of those high schoolers who was ready to move out of my parents' house and move on to bigger and better things. I was really apprehensive and unsure about leaving home. I wanted to stay in Montgomery, but my parents refused that request and showed me some necessary tough love by making me go to Auburn and step out of my comfort zone. If I could've been in control at that time, I would have said I want things to stay the way they are now forever. I would still be dating my high school boyfriend, going to the same church, living in Montgomery with my parents. I wouldn't have the amazing friendships I have now or learned to live on my own – I would almost be a different person.
I have gained so many wonderful things in the time I've been going to school at Auburn, and had I not forced myself to leave my comfortable environment and take on the new challenge, I would never have known any of those things; these new things that I am now afraid to walk away from. Incredible people and adventures that I wouldn't trade for anything, have come as a result of things simply changing.
Here are a few secrets: First, I don't know for sure what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. I don't know where I will live after I graduate. I don't know what is waiting for me in the real world. And I'm terrified. Top of the roller coaster ride, boat ride in a hurricane kind of terrified.
Second, I'm afraid of loss. What will I lose if I move somewhere new? I truly don't know. I will possibly lose touch with friends or lose another job I could have had. I could miss out on a certain lifestyle I've been dreaming of or quality time with people who are so important to me. But I know what I won't lose. I won't lose anything that God had intended for me to keep. That is an impossibility and would make Him short of being anything but my perfect provider and Sovereign Lord over every step I make.
I see the end drawing near and I feel the way I felt when I was 18 years old. Scared to leave the familiar place I call home, scared to lose touch with friends, scared to never again have this time of my life back. Valid but unnecessary fears. The same scary changes that led to this life I'm desperately clinging to will be the same scary changes that will bring me the next phase of irreplaceable people and places that I will be holding onto for dear life in the future.
I wouldn't want to stop this world of change if I could. Instead of struggling against the changes, I'm envisioning all the wonderful surprises waiting around the corner for me, that will never be discovered if I refuse to venture out because of fear.
