As many, many people in the same situation as me know, being in a military relationship is stressful and it is hard work. You go through a lot of emotions on a daily basis. It’s rarely easy, but for better or worse, it is always worth it.
When I started dating a Recon Marine, I knew he would be gone all the time with crazy-busy, rigorous training schedules that leave little time for us to talk. There were times while he was in BRC (Basic Reconnaissance Course) that I would wait all day only to exchange two texts with him, or hear nothing at all. He was busy before the sun came up and long after it went down some days. Times like now, being stationed in Japan, he’ll have to spend ten days in the jungle, so not only is he not here, but our only connection is cut off for a while, which sucks.
You get your hopes up a lot in a military relationship, and you’ll be disappointed a lot. If you know anything about the military, you know that plans change constantly, and quickly. I can’t tell you how many times there’s been the possibility of my boyfriend being able to take some leave and come home, or a chance that he will have training in the States and I could potentially visit. So far, none of these plans have worked out.
For two years now, we have only seen each other for a couple weeks on his Christmas leave. So it’s hard not to get my hopes up when there’s a chance that we could maybe, possibly spend a week together, because, otherwise, I know it will be another year.
We always say that we’ll hope for the best and plan for the worst, because it’s usually easier to expect nothing, since often times nothing is what you get. A note to anyone in the same situation: just know that he is just as disappointed as you are that he’s not coming home, and it is never his fault when plans change.
By far, the most frequent responses I get when people ask about our situation are, “I don’t know how you do it,” or “I don’t think I could do it.” Well, here’s the thing. It’s not exactly that I want to do it. I don’t want my boyfriend to be over 10,000 miles away from me all year, but that’s just our reality. It’s his job and I support him no matter where that job takes him. There’s nothing we can do to change it and I would never give up on him for it. I will still be here when he gets home, then we can start doing the things we want to do together. Until then, we make do.
Another thing that unfortunately happens, at least for me, is that I tend to get a little bitter. It’s pretty hard seeing couples together everywhere you go, and always third-wheeling with your friends. I don’t hold anything against these couples, but it’s hard not to be resentful. I tend to look at other couples with frustration and wonder why they don’t appreciate each other more. I criticize them in my head because they argue over petty things. I struggle to understand why they want the bed to themselves while their partner is gone for a weekend. But these couples enjoy a lot of privileges that I cannot. I feel like they’re taking it for granted, but this is just the norm for them. Sometimes I have to remind myself that.
Every relationship functions differently. Some people are with each other constantly, others, like me, don’t have that option. But just a word from the wise, do not ever complain about missing your significant other to someone in a military relationship. Just don’t. Unless they have been absent for several months, we will not sympathize with you, and we will not be nice about it. Sorry.
Despite the hardships, our situation has benefitted our relationship in so many ways. First of all, I’ve learned a great deal of patience. Waiting an entire year to spend two weeks with the person I love is f---ing hard. It sucks. A lot. But overtime you get pretty good at this stuff. We get into our routines, and even though we’re always wishing we were together, we can get by on our own—not because we don’t need each other, but because we are both strong, independent people who strengthen and support, but do not entirely depend upon one another. He does an incredible job of supporting, encouraging, loving and motivating me — even when he can’t be here. We always discuss things together and encourage one another, which is incredibly important in any relationship.
As I mentioned, a military relationship builds a lot of strength — not only in your relationship, but in you as a person. I’m sure it would be nice to have your significant other there to talk to each day and to comfort you in hard times. It must be amazing. But when that’s not an option, you really learn to pick yourself up. Though I have not yet had to experience deployment, it is clear that the consistent worry would be detrimental to anyone’s mental state. Anyone who can make it through that is strong in my book, and I know we will both be capable of crossing that bridge when we come to it.
Additionally, we both appreciate each other so much more. We’ve learned to be grateful for one another and never take a moment together for granted. When our time is so limited, every minute together counts. We also are completely honest and have strong communication with each other. This is not to say that other couples can’t or don’t have this, but when all you have is being able to talk to each other, your communication strengthens immensely.
No matter what hardships we are forced to deal with in a military relationship, they pale in comparison to the duties resting on his shoulders. It really does suck being away from each other, but we always have something to look forward to. We are only two years in, so we still have a long, winding road ahead of us, but our strength, love, and support for each other will carry us through.
Photo: My boyfriend, Alex, and I over Christmas 2015 while he was home for two weeks. That day was my 101 course on how to hold, load, handle and shoot various guns.
