I can see it now...

It was early in the morning, or late at night depending on your sleep schedule.

Let's say it is about 3 or 4 am because it was way too early for me to remember.

After many months, I sat in an incredibly uncomfortable chair, waiting for the roar of your truck to come down my street. Sadly, I didn't know how to feel. I am excited to see you again, but I'm sad because you will have to leave so soon. I'm delighted because you become a real person again, however, I'm in pain because I know you won't be the same person as you were.

My heart aches because I know what we used to have isn't there anymore. Yet I still wait, patiently and silently. I wait for you to come back every time. I put my life on pause for a few hours just like you expect. I stay up without sleep just like you ask me to because you want me to be awake when you get there. Even though hours pass by the time that you said you were going to be there, I still stay up waiting.

The endless waiting is really what gets to me.

People sure do change a lot over time. What is the number one way to heal any wound? Time. People change over time.

The waiting game has some nasty tricks, too. How can I explain the insecurity, the lack of attention, the silence, the anxiety, and the amount of life that goes on?

There are many lists on the internet about what makes a relationship last and what keeps it healthy. I personally believe in communication and time spent together in person.

So how does a relationship remain healthy when neither of those is present?

I don't have an answer for that, I actually struggle with that question quite often. I do know for fact, behind quite a few past long term relationships, a lack of communication is what killed my relationships.

Nevertheless, once a person gives up on a relationship, I don't believe it can be saved. Once a person is pushed far enough away, no amount of love or patience is going to rekindle a relationship. Is this entirely true, or is this just coming from a hurting heart? I think the latter.

At least in my life, once pushed too far, I never came back to a person. Also, I don't like to waste my time, knowing that I only get so much time in this life. Therefore, when someone pushes me away, I don't hesitate to walk away. When someone doesn't have enough time for me in the 24 hours of the day, I don't regret walking away.

But this heart of mine will not let go. Not now, not ever.

I am also one of those people that would rather be alone than to experience heartbreak every step of the way.

I would rather be alone than in pain every day.

This comes from the same person who has looked into someone's eyes, ready to start a life with them. I was ready to give everything I had to this person including my future.

But I had to snap back to reality and think about what was really happening.

In my situation specifically, I have been alone for so long that it doesn't even feel like I'm in a relationship. To justify my mind telling me to run away, I use evidence based facts. I look back over these last few years and notice that I have lived by myself with basically no real conversation between myself and partner. If I can do it for that long, then how come I can't really live by myself? I know that I can do all of this alone, so why am I so afraid to walk?

But wait:

I can see it now...

I stand out in the cold, longer than expected, shivering and waiting. It's dark, and there isn't another soul awake. There is a slow roar of a diesel truck coming towards my apartment building. I forget how cold I am, how I haven't slept in over 24 hours. I am filled with joy that the waiting is over.

For now.

Instantly the pain comes back into my heart, and I realize that this pain will never leave me.

So I remember to just be silent, resilient, tough, and patient. I remember that he chose that life over a life with me, and I have to respect that. As he walks up, I welcome a man who has changed from the humble and small world guy I used to know. The gym is important, anger comes first, and communication is no longer a priority. I might not know this man anymore but I always hope that he will find his way back.

At the end of the night, hope doesn't change time, it doesn't reverse the choices made by a person.

In this same night, all I cling to is the hope that he will come back to me in this instance and forever.