Many of you may be familiar with the hashtag #MeToo which refers to women who have been sexually assaulted or harassed.
Unfortunately, I faced sexual assault within my first few weeks of college.

I thought I had already gone through quite a few trials including the death of my beloved grandmother, my parents' divorce, and multiple suicide attempts. For a long time, it felt like the assault was just the icing on a crappy cake.

To every person that has been assaulted or abused, I just want to say that my heart breaks for you. I didn't know just how badly I would hurt in the days, weeks, or months that followed the incident. Wanting justice, I sought out a team of investigators to hopefully draw a conclusion and allow me to live my life more at peace.

Here I am, 73 days later and the conclusion reached was not in my favor. Needless to say, today has just been endless sobbing.
I feel the pain sit heavy on my heart. A victim of sexual assault. And now a victim of injustice.

The past few months have been me putting on a strong front yet internally terrified. I took extra medication to keep myself stable. I saw my counselor more frequently. I did everything I needed to so that I could finally come to terms with what happened. But today, it hit me like a ton of bricks. The whole process felt like a waste of my time. The perpetrator walks away free as a bird and here I am, chained to the pain he left me with. The injustice I must move past.

I'm not exactly sure what the next step from grieving this actually is. I'm at a complete loss. A month or so ago I wrote this:

"I hate feeling sorry for myself. I'm not that kind of person.
I like to think I'm strong enough to handle pretty much anything that comes my way.
But I can't handle this one.
Before I go to sleep every night, I catch myself wondering if I'll ever meet somebody who won't hurt me. Somebody who has pure intentions. Somebody who loves me for my heart kisses me gently and promises to accept and fight through anything that we might face.
I'm terrified.
I close my eyes and I feel him grabbing my arms.
I sit in silence and cringe at the sound of his taunting and laughter inside my head.
My teeth are always clenched. My back is constantly tense. My eyes dart around to look at any male that steps into the room. Making sure it isn't him.
I drown in the what ifs and overdose on the idea of a different outcome.
Crowds allow fear to envelop me. Anxiety races through my veins, my heart pounds, my headaches.
When will I feel peace?
I'm assured by those around me that there is help and that he won't get away with it."

But he did.

Here's to hoping tomorrow is better than today.