As I was sitting in the warm sand I reached into my backpack and retrieved my empty glass soda bottle along with a medium length slice of paper and pen. I wrote upon the slice of paper a message that I hoped would be found. It said,
"To Whom it May Concern,
You do not know who I am but I have been waiting on you for some time now. I am sitting on an island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and require immediate assistance. My location is 50 17' 21.6213" and 147 39' 22.5" so please rescue me. If I am rescued, I will pay a handsome reward and will be eternally grateful. I am not sure if this island is on a map for it appears to be a rather small island with little food. I have created a lean-to shelter and I can barely produce a campfire at night to survive the cold temperatures. I am not sure if there are any wild animals on the island. I highly doubt there are because of the small size, nonetheless I do not have a weapon to ward off enemies and this worries me immensely. As I have said before, food is scarce and I have been living off of berries and fruit from trees. I hope to catch a fish soon and be able to eat that but I wish to be rescued even more so. Once again I beg of you to rescue me, I have given you exact coordinates that I have figured in my head, give my letter to the Coast Guard if nothing else. Please help me! Please. I am dying out here and I know that a great man of my wealth will not last long out on this tiny island since my private jet has crashed in the Pacific. I highly doubt that the obdurate captain of my cruise ship will circle the island much longer. Please rescue me. You are my only hope now. He will not stop the ship long enough for me to board, he said I have to jump onto it. Do you have any clue how massive my ship is? No, you do not, for you are not here to rescue me yet and that is making me angry. If I am not rescued soon I will be forced to use my speedboat to travel to the next island and send another message in a bottle in hopes of rescue. I really do not wish to do that for it is silly to send two bottled messages in one island trip. Furthermore, all of my African Swallows are dead and cannot bring my coconuts which saddens me beyond the point of living. If you find this letter it is likely that I am dead from depression since my personal chef has run out of steak to feed me. Rescue me anyway, but no money will be rewarded unless I am alive. At any rate, enough of this letter."
And so that is how the letter in the bottle that I sent was written. Shortly after this I finally decided to fire up my private helicopter and land on the landing pad on my personal cruise ship since there was no way that I would be able to get on it otherwise. Presently, I am sitting in the sand on the pulchritudinous beach of Santa Maria reading a letter that has just washed ashore. You will never believe what it says.
