Mental illness is an emotional battlefield. My personal experience, the stigma regarding mental illness, relationships and getting help are all things I considered when evaluating mental illness in college.

Part I: Personal Experience

I constantly feel like I'm being pulled underwater and the oxygen figuratively rushes out of me at an accelerated rate. I spend some mornings feeling physically sick to my stomach, wanting to vomit from the stress induced coma I've somehow put myself into. Sometimes, my appetite disappears because I've gotten so stressed. Why does my anxiety do this? Why do I feel so miserable most mornings? Living with mental illness, especially in college, is difficult. You're trying to do well in all of your classes while trying to manage the fact that you're an adult now, and there's also the fact that you have to be socially involved somehow. Managing a full course load of classes, applying for research positions and somehow finding the time to be socially involved is a balancing act in itself- adding another thing to the equation puts a toll on yourself. I swear I try to be a productive member of society, but my mental illness can make it look like like I'm not when I'm sitting in my common room staring at the wall, trying to calm down from an anxiety attack.

Also personal side note: Please don't get mad at someone for apologizing a lot. It's a coping mechanism. Reassurance is important.

Part II: The Stigma

Mental illness is real. To the people who think I can just somehow "will" myself to not be anxious or depressed, please stop. According to NAMI or National Alliance on Mental Illness, one in five Americans live with a mental illness condition. As of Fall 2015, UMBC has a population of 11,243 undergraduate students. Which means, at least, 2,249 undergraduate students suffer from mental illness, which is a pretty significant amount of students. I wish the stigma didn't exist. Some individuals consider mental illness as an excuse to be "lazy" and consider it a "hot trend" when mental illness is debilitating and can affect an individual socially, economically, physically, emotionally and academically.

It's not something that should be romanticized either because I don't think it's very romantic for me to lie in bed and feel the emotional weight of my anxiety willing me to stay lying in bed. I wish it was less stigmatized to do poorly a semester as a result of mental illness. It is not anyone's fault one's brain decided to affect them in such a way that they stopped having the motivation to do the work assigned to them or felt physically ill as a result of the stress. It isn't my fault I have anxiety. It isn't my fault I sometimes don't have the will to complete an assignment because my mind honestly feels like it wants to kill itself.

Part III: Relationships

Honestly, mental illness is something that makes those who are mentally ill sometimes fear being in romantic relationships and brings certain questions to the table:

"Will this person still love me even though I'm mentally ill?"

"What if I can never find a person who will accept me for who am I?"

"Will they be capable of accepting the fact that I might need more validation than the average person and will they be able to give me that validation?"

"Will I be a burden to them? Am I a burden to them?"

"How will they react when I tell them I have *insert mental illness*?"

Part IV: Getting Help

Getting help can either be a difficult or easy thing. At the University of Maryland, one student had to wait more than 22 days to see a therapist. The student was told that because she was not in what was considered an urgent situation, she had to wait for an appointment as students with non-urgent cases have to usually wait roughly two to three weeks to see a psychotherapist. At UMBC, there are many clubs and events for students to be aware of mental illness and students usually don't have to wait too long to set up a counseling appointment, at least in my experience. However, I think there has to be some support for the individual if they want help, at least from friends or family.

Part V: Closing Remarks

Mental illness is definitely not an easy thing to deal with. If you know a friend with mental illness, be there for them. Try to understand why they are who they are. College is tough and everyone needs all the support they can get.

P.S. For those with anxiety or just anyone in need of a calming soundtrack, the Life of Pi soundtrack is my personal favorite.