We all read the posts, memes and stories about what it says to struggle with anxiety and depression right? I mean it seems to be the newest trend to talk about & say you have, let me be the first to tell you that if you truly struggle with it; its not fun.
When I was 10 I had to start seeing the school guidance counselor because of events that happened in my life but I choose not to talk about it & instead play with the toys. Eventually I started going to the Nord Center & still I choose not to talk about it. Instead by age 13 I started cutting my wrists & thinking of ways to attempt suicide. Eventually my parents caught on, saw my arms & took me back to the Nord Center. I was taken there three times due to cutting & the last time the doctors told me if I came back again for the incident they would admit me even against my parents wishes. I didn't stop cutting, I just learned to hide it better. One night I cut my wrists so deep I actually passed out from loosing blood but no one knew about that except my close friend at the time. I'm sure most of you think "Cutting is only for attention" you're actually very wrong, I was cutting to actually feel something; tired of feeling numb or not knowing what is going on in your world between hormones, puberty & thee emotions you can't explain. By this time I was also starving myself to feel pretty & if I had to eat, I was using laxatives after every meal. When I was 10-13 I was wearing a size 9 in women & by 14 I was a size 3, starving myself & running cross country worked so I thought I had to continue to stay skinny. At the end of eighth grade i was refereed to an at home psychologist after i saw a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), PTSD, Anxiety & Depression. I know what you're thinking, a 14 year old with PTSD? well not that kind but still something traumatic enough to cause a mild episode. I was prescribed Zoloft, talk about feeling numb without medication Zoloft made me feel like a zombie. I stayed on it for about 8 months before i had enough of taking it & then i took myself off it without doctors orders but after i stopped taking it i though i was better "I was cured" boy was i wrong. A month after I had a break down, I called home crying, a mess because i couldn't walk the halls without feeling like someone was talking about me or without feeling like i was losing it. That was my first panic attack.
I'm now 21 years old & I still struggle with anxiety & depression. My stress has stress. Some days are really good, other days are really bad & some days I feel numb inside. In high school I was constantly jumping relationships because eventually i'd push people away from me & then break up with them. Then i'd move onto the next one because i couldn't stand to be alone for to long.
Depression is wanting to stay in bed all day long, not socializing, no motivation & staying confined. Anxiety is a feeling in your back if you're not on top of your game, its being anxious over nothing, stressing about trying to do something immediately but that thing could take months or hours. Dealing with both at the same time well, it's just hell.
My choices from before still effect me to this day, because of my starving myself years ago I eat once a day only, I have a low immune system, i'm anemic & I had to have a colonoscopy at 18 from problems. I look down at my wrist where I now have a tattoo & I still see scars.
I've been single for the longest time since I have been since I was 13, I've learned to love myself & I learned to be okay with being alone but on my bad days I hate being alone not just because i'm alone but because of my thoughts, my emotions & not knowing what I could or couldn't do. "Faking it til you make it" Is not the way to go, if you struggle with these things I urge you to get help. It doesn't have to be a professional it could even be someone you can just confide in to help make you feel better. For me its my dogs, they truly are the only ones who give my life meaning & purpose because without having to immediately get out of bed to take them outside, I would probably never get out of bed some days. I truly mean this when I say without my dogs I do not know if I would be here today.
