Almost one year ago, I wrote a story about my mental health and what it was like to admit to needing help. Now I wanted to follow up and clear some things up about my story and others with similar stories.
To start I am not cured my mental health is something that I struggle with on a day to day basis. I have bad days still despite therapy and medication to help regulate my mood. There are also some things that I didn't confess to in my last article that I feel is an injustice to not own up to.
I have frequent suicidal thinking. In that, I am not worth it to be here that it would be easier financially and emotionally on my friends and family if I wasn't here. I have unclear plans that I have made and when my bad days come up those plans come back to me. It never truly goes away it's always something in the back of my mind. To this day my family still does not know the extent to which my depression and anxiety go.
The other is that I have resorted to negative coping mechanisms including self-harm and something I want everyone to know is that there isn't just cutting in self-harm methods. I don't want to list them in fear someone sees this and attempts one. I never viewed my self-harm as bad since it didn't leave scars. Although its an addiction that's hard to kick because I know the feelings that I get from doing it although guilt and sadness still linger since I know it is not a healthy option for me.
I have bad days that I don't want to be a functioning human because all I want is to lay in bed and wallow in the sadness that has overwhelmed me. I don't want to bother anyone either so I often just isolate myself and lie saying I am fine when in reality I am drowning.
I have been able to manage my symptoms better with the help of others, therapy, and medication. Without these things, I would struggle longer and more frequently however I want everyone in my life to know that these things are not a cure only a type of management so that I hold the reins a lot more often than my illnesses.