I have been seeing a lot of articles on the internet about anxiety and mental health recently. It's great that mental health is coming to the forefront of the conversation. I'm not here to tell you that some of those articles are right and some of them are wrong. No, I am here to let you see inside of my mind. A snapshot into the chaos that I deal with every day.

Anxiety presents itself differently for everyone. Some people only experience symptoms when specific things happen to them or happen near them. For example, some people have social anxiety and will start experiencing a sense of feeling like everyone is watching them and that the room is closing in on them. Then, they start to lose their breath, they can no longer breathe. They dart out of the room, causing a scene and everyone wonders what they did wrong.

My anxiety presents itself in many ways depending on what I am thinking about that is spiking my anxiety. To simplify things, I will give a couple examples.

I have what people would consider generalized anxiety disorder. I don't have specific "triggers", but certain things set me off more than others. Let me explain. Ever since I was younger the thought of dying, no longer being me, not existing caused me to "freak out". I break out in sweat, my body temperature rises, my heart beats faster, my vision blurs, and a freeze where I stand (or sit, or lay). The smallest thing can cause me to spiral into the dark recesses of my mind. The first time I remember this happening is when I was very young. I was sitting in my booster seat in my mom's van, looking at my Barbie picture book when it happened. Barbie was beautiful. I realized right there in my booster seat that Barbie was going to be beautiful forever, even as I age and turn old. As I decompose in the ground Barbie will still be smiling with her perfect, too white smile.That was all it took, the spiral downward began. The Barbie book slid from my little, sticky hands and fell onto the floor of the van. My mind began racing too fast for me to keep up with it. I saw my tiny body lifeless and gray buried under the Earth. The little worms coming up to investigate what use to be me. But where was "I"? I never figured it out.

My anxiety is not always that intense, but when it is it's all because I'm thinking about my morality. Most of the time, my anxiety is manageable. It shows up when I have too much work to do. A paper due for my English class, a presentation due for my Psychology senior project, I NEED to start my independent study. Then, I start to think about all the people I will disappoint if I don't live to their standards, my own standards. I start working on all of them...but I never finish any of them. I'm too worried about them being done that I actually run out of time.

My anxiety actually causes me to procrastinate. I get so overwhelmed with what I am thinking that I have to take a break. I always, always, always, get distracted and I never go back to that project.

I have friends, several close friends that I hang out with (when I'm not working on all my homework at once). It never fails that I talk myself into thinking that they hate me. They all sit around in Bica and talk about me behind my back. That I'm weird, that they don't know why they put up with me, that they feel bad for me, etc. I will lay in my bed, wrapped up in my blanket, a glass of wine near, and just simply cry. The worst part is, I know I am telling myself lies, but I can't stop. Each time it happens I convince myself that I'm not good enough. Then, my phone will ring. It's one of my friends inviting me to dinner (like they always do. Every single day) and it all disappears. I tell myself how silly I am for believing all those things I told myself.

I do it in relationships too. I tell myself that I'm not good enough. That I don't deserve anything. I worry that they are just faking the whole thing, that they never loved me, to begin with. Before I know it, I'm back in the blanket cocoon, wine in hand.

Recently, my anxiety has made a new friend. Depression. They get along great. Anxiety keeps me up all night worrying about my past, my future, and everyone in my bubble. Depression tells me there is no point in worrying, I have no future or anyone to care. Now instead of getting back in bed to become one with my blankets, I realize I never left my bed to begin with. I'm late for my first class of the day almost every day. I can't face what I am telling myself, but I do. I fight every single day to be me. Anxiety and depression haven't won yet.