Memories Faded into the Gray Everything
Start writing a post
Health and Wellness

Memories Faded into the Gray Everything

Simple tasks became harder, synapses died off

19
Memories Faded into the Gray Everything

I’ve never been good at writing nonfiction pieces. You have to remember things perfectly, and not the way that you wished it would have happened, otherwise you have the story all wrong. I’ve never been good because I always end up twisting something this way or that in my mind, even if I don’t notice it. Sometimes it's been too long for me to notice that I have the story wrong. If you asked me to write about my childhood, I’d only remember a few glimpses - my mother singing me to sleep when I had a nightmare, my grandfather chasing me around the room, but above all, I’d remember the laughter.

But I also remember the sadness. Not the sadness of my childhood, but of my teenage years. I remember those years - and they are always right below all of the laughter, a face that you can only catch a glimpse of. A thing hiding, gone before you can turn to it. An itch just below the surface. I remember when it all started. I can’t tell you what kind of day it was, what I ate for lunch, what was playing on TV when that thing in my mind laughed at me. When that thing in my mind clued the rest of my body in, told all the nerve endings and all ten of my fingers and all ten of my toes that I was depressed.

I didn’t believe them at first, when the nerves didn’t seem to respond to the commands in my brain. I didn’t believe that I was depressed at first, but then I felt like I couldn’t move my fingers. I felt like there could only be one thought in my brain: I don’t want to live anymore. I felt like there wasn’t enough air, wasn’t enough anything, but above all, that there wasn’t enough laughter in the world.

I failed a test. It wasn’t a test that reflected on my intelligence, but I felt like it did. And as I was awaiting my freshman year of high school, the summer drew long out before me. Each day offered no comfort, no warmth, despite the sunlight that shone in on me. I thought the summer was never going to end - I thought it was going to stretch out endlessly in front of me. I contemplated suicide without ever really thinking about it. It didn’t seem like it could be real. It didn’t seem like a reality I could have, but rather like a peace I could never reach.

Looking back on it now, I realize that it was foolish for me to think this way. But at the time, it seemed like the only way that I could think, because my depression was the only thing firing off in my brain. Simple tasks became harder. Synapses died off. Memories faded into the gray everything.

A part of me faded.

But when I came back, I was more brilliant than anything.

I found myself laughing one day, like it was nothing. I found myself laughing like it was an involuntary action. Like it was more natural than flexing my fingers. More natural than the steady beating of my heart.

I’m not good at writing nonfiction pieces. I find it’s harder to convey my feelings than I originally thought it would be. I always realize that I’ve messed up some of the memories. Not all, though. Because there are the memories of the laughter. The memories of the sadness.

Those I cannot mess up. Those I cannot forget.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Student Life

Waitlisted for a College Class? Here's What to Do!

Dealing with the inevitable realities of college life.

56978
college students waiting in a long line in the hallway
StableDiffusion

Course registration at college can be a big hassle and is almost never talked about. Classes you want to take fill up before you get a chance to register. You might change your mind about a class you want to take and must struggle to find another class to fit in the same time period. You also have to make sure no classes clash by time. Like I said, it's a big hassle.

This semester, I was waitlisted for two classes. Most people in this situation, especially first years, freak out because they don't know what to do. Here is what you should do when this happens.

Keep Reading...Show less
a man and a woman sitting on the beach in front of the sunset

Whether you met your new love interest online, through mutual friends, or another way entirely, you'll definitely want to know what you're getting into. I mean, really, what's the point in entering a relationship with someone if you don't know whether or not you're compatible on a very basic level?

Consider these 21 questions to ask in the talking stage when getting to know that new guy or girl you just started talking to:

Keep Reading...Show less
Lifestyle

Challah vs. Easter Bread: A Delicious Dilemma

Is there really such a difference in Challah bread or Easter Bread?

36747
loaves of challah and easter bread stacked up aside each other, an abundance of food in baskets
StableDiffusion

Ever since I could remember, it was a treat to receive Easter Bread made by my grandmother. We would only have it once a year and the wait was excruciating. Now that my grandmother has gotten older, she has stopped baking a lot of her recipes that require a lot of hand usage--her traditional Italian baking means no machines. So for the past few years, I have missed enjoying my Easter Bread.

Keep Reading...Show less
Adulting

Unlocking Lake People's Secrets: 15 Must-Knows!

There's no other place you'd rather be in the summer.

958519
Group of joyful friends sitting in a boat
Haley Harvey

The people that spend their summers at the lake are a unique group of people.

Whether you grew up going to the lake, have only recently started going, or have only been once or twice, you know it takes a certain kind of person to be a lake person. To the long-time lake people, the lake holds a special place in your heart, no matter how dirty the water may look.

Keep Reading...Show less
Student Life

Top 10 Reasons My School Rocks!

Why I Chose a Small School Over a Big University.

189851
man in black long sleeve shirt and black pants walking on white concrete pathway

I was asked so many times why I wanted to go to a small school when a big university is so much better. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure a big university is great but I absolutely love going to a small school. I know that I miss out on big sporting events and having people actually know where it is. I can't even count how many times I've been asked where it is and I know they won't know so I just say "somewhere in the middle of Wisconsin." But, I get to know most people at my school and I know my professors very well. Not to mention, being able to walk to the other side of campus in 5 minutes at a casual walking pace. I am so happy I made the decision to go to school where I did. I love my school and these are just a few reasons why.

Keep Reading...Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments