Webster’s dictionary defines codependency as a psychological condition in which someone is in an unhappy and unhealthy relationship that involves living with and providing care for another person (such as a drug addict or an alcoholic). I, however, have a different interpretation. I define codependency as how I spent the greater part of my adolescent years. I have often been jokingly referred to as a “serial dater,” as I developed a habit of dating, breaking up, then dating someone else almost immediately after. This is my cycle – my lovely, self-destructive, repetitive pattern that I have recently become fully aware of.
Why were my younger days marked by such a significant theme of being dependent on another person, time after time? The short answer is that on the list of my favorite things, attention and the feeling of being needed rank very high (after my mother, tequila, and any Gerber Baby commercial). “NEED ME, need me – and don’t forget to feed me!” I silently plead as I enter each relationship. I really have been fortunate to share special relationships with some very good people in the past; all of whom were sucked in by my earth-shattering cackle and Iron Chef level nacho-making abilities. Although I have enjoyed these relationships and have learned important lessons from each of them, such as honesty, empathy, and that it is not fair sleep diagonally with the better pillow in a shared bed even though you feel you deserve to – these relationships were driven my own personal, emotional vice of codependency that needed to be addressed.
The longer answer explaining my codependent, “serial dating” behavior, however, involves a time I like to call B.C. – before codependency. I have attributed my hunger to be needed and desired as the result of crippling low self-esteem and lack of positive self-regard. It was only as of late that I saw the unhappy and unhealthy relationship was in fact mine with myself. For as long as I can remember, I was not happy with myself until someone gave me a reason to be. My codependent behavior began at a young age with my first intimate relationship, as I discovered that repeated approval and desire from a person I cared about gave me confidence, and even a sense of purpose. Since then, my need to be needed has manifested itself into all of my relationships. As many of us know, if we continue to reopen our wounds, they will not heal. The same can be said for the repetitive nature of my dating choices.
Early on in my series of relationships, I believed it was totally okay to interpret someone’s interest in me as their need for me – and that is exactly what I did. Wow, clever game plan, Jacinda! This will totally never backfire, I thought. As self-acclaimed philosopher and Snapchat phenomenon DJ Khaled would say, “congratulations, you played yourself.” As it turns out, DJ Khaled was right, and he may just be a millennial-whisperer.
It is dangerous to depend on drugs, alcohol, or another person to fill an emotional or personal void. Being codependent in interpersonal relationships has been a common theme in my life, and I am comfortable talking about it because I know very well that I am not alone – it is a shared commonality between myself and several women and men my age. The purpose in my writing is not to project a battle cry about the struggles young woman are undoubtedly facing to earn societal approval which is often manifest into a series of codependent behaviors (because that topic warrants a much larger conversation). Rather, I am hopeful that a relevant conversation about codependent behavior and the importance of self-love and acceptance will begin. Codependent behavior can be minimized when a better, healthier sense of self is created; and though it is far from easy, I am so sure that myself and those who struggle with this issue can work towards healing and become a better version of themselves. I recently ended a relationship with someone who saw my codependent habits, and continuously reminded me that happiness and fulfillment needs to come from within. Thanks to this advice, and a new commitment to my own personal growth, I have begun working towards a chapter I will refer to as A.C. – after codependency.
