Dear future husband,
I've been dreaming of you night and day and of how wonderful your love will be. Do you ever think of me, darling? Of how I will enthrall you and make you mine? Oh, how wonderful that day will be for both of us, when you pledge your eternal devotion to me and I let you kiss my lips! You will treasure me like a goddess, and I will bless you with my presence for the rest of our lives. I know this may seem like a difficult task, to be my one and only and retain my affection, so I have thought up some tips to help you out. Ideally, you should think of all these things on your own, but since I am so generous and gracious, I will reveal to you the way to my heart. In order for our relationship to thrive and become the beautiful, blossoming thing that I know it will be, please adhere to the following requests:
Always take me on dates. I know that you will be busy working and probably will want time to rest and relax, but in order for our marriage to work, you must dedicate at least one night of your week to making me feel special. I deserve a bae who will spend time and money on me and validate my worth. As I'm sure you know, a husband's job is to help his wife find contentment and happiness by giving her everything that she desires. And how glorious that you will do all of this for me, dear one, because you will be so full of gratitude and adoration for everything that I am.
Don’t forget our anniversary. I know that you are human and that you might have a tendency to make mistakes sometimes, but that is no excuse. Flowers, preferably hothouse roses or orchids, will be the best gift in case you can’t think of anything to get me. If you do all of these things, I will buy your groceries and whatever else your little heart desires. What else could you want in a wife, right? Oh, and if you assume that I will cook your food sometimes, please abolish that unfortunate thought from your mind. Babe, don’t you know that I never learned to cook? My nails can’t stand to get dough underneath them, and, for heaven’s sake, where would I find the time in my busy schedule? No, my pet, I’m afraid that you must learn to cook, but you won’t mind so much, will you? I am worth all of your time and attention.
Speaking of which, if you want to get your special loving, remember to tell me that I’m beautiful. After all, the only reason that I enjoy being around you is because you help me to overcome my insecurities and find worth and confidence in my outward appearance. The other way that you may get some loving is if you always apologize. Even if I am wrong, you must tell me that I’m right and let me win every argument. But that won’t be so difficult, will it, honey-bunch? Admitting your own faults will help you to become a better person, and the reward for you doing so will be...how should I put it? Extremely satisfying. And let’s face it, the only motivation you have for marrying me is so that you can rock my body right.
I know that some other issues frequently pop up in marital disagreements, so let’s just address them now, shall we? First of all, I need you to always be available to make time for me in your schedule. It’s your job to make sure that I’m not lonely, so if I call and ask you to do something with me, please come at once. Second, I’m sorry but your family is never going to be as important as mine. We will never have arguments about whose house to go to for Thanksgiving or Christmas because my family will always win out in the end. Trust me. You can call your mom over Skype and see her face that way. Isn’t technology wonderful? Lastly, the left side of the bed is mine. End of discussion.
Some final tips for winning my heart: open doors, keep your mind clean, and buy me a big, fat diamond ring. Other than that, you are perfect just the way you are, and I can’t wait to meet you and fall in love. Oh, I can already picture our whirlwind romance!
Until then, my one true love!
Love,
Your soulmate,
Meghan TrainorDisclaimer: This article is, in no way, meant to disparage Meghan Trainor. Rather, I have attempted to shed light on the ironies of the message that is perpetuated through this song and other aspects of culture. Media and entertainment feed young girls an unrealistic and self-centered view of marriage. None of these things: wanting flowers, not knowing how to cook, or desiring to be loved are bad in themselves, but both men and women are harmed when we approach relationships as the means to our own fulfillment. Love is not a list of requirements.
