Meeting the Queen on the Mars space base, starring in your own Hollywood blockbuster alongside Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker, having one last heart-to-heart with Harambe... all of these things reside in the realm of bucket lists, those Mount Everest peaks of life that each of us would love to reach once before we kick the bucket back into the whorl of Hades’ ghost pit. We all know them – and for the most part they do not differ very much. So I’ve spent a bit of time ruminating the top 5 things that I wouldn’t really mind experiencing before I fall into the ocean and die trying to catch a Magikarp on Pokemon Go.
Grow a Bonsai Tree
I wouldn’t really mind growing a bonsai tree. If I ever got around to it then I’d give it a shot. It’s uncanny how much they look like big trees. The way the bark is indented like an old person’s skin, the way the roots bulge at the bottom and the leaves firework outward at the top all make it a pretty convincing display. They’re certainly doing a better job than broccoli. There’s no denying one would be a visually pleasant addition to the feng shui of any home. Not only that, but people would automatically think you’re cool and hardworking with a distinct knowledge about plants. Overall, though, I’ve heard they take a lot of work to tend to and the whole thing’s pretty easy to fuck up.
Go on Britain’s Got Talent
A lot of people seem pretty happy and excited for those who get on to stage impress the four ageless farts that judge Britain’s got talent. I don’t deny that the experience would be pretty cool. I’d be all over English telly pulling my belly button fluff out of my mouth and re-inserting it into whence it came. Simon Cowell and his mates would hold their mouths and stare at each other. Maybe one of them would bash the big red button and Kylie Minogue would slap them, throwing her hands forward and mouthing how amazing I am. The crowd would cheer, Ant and Dec would smile and point and then I’d walk off stage, back into the oblivion of normality with only a half-a-million view YouTube video left as proof of my brief stardom.
Pick a Cob of Corn Right off it’s Stem
Going into a field and yanking a cob of corn off the top of its neck sounds quite satisfying, but I think I can die happy without the memory that would probably be lost in the midst of other, more special ones.
Hang Off the Top of some Scaffolding
I might die trying to do this, but you know, if I was feeling bold enough it might be a pretty exciting thing to do for a few seconds. I reckon it would be memorable. When I’m down the pub I could definitely spool a minute long yarn about how me and some mates once climbed up a church and hung off the scaffolding – “it was so scary!” I would say. To which someone would respond with a similar death-defying story of stupidity of their own. Wouldn’t mind, but wouldn’t really go for it.
Get a Slap from The Rock
If Dwayne Johnson gave me a full on slap to the face, I’d probably turn to dust like that guy who drinks from the wrong cup at the end of Indiana Jones 3. Even so, if I lived to tell the tale then I’d be boss man when me and my friends sat around with a beer in our undies as per and watched the old WWF shows, knowing that the hand connected to the people’s elbow smacked me in the lip.
After much careful consideration, those are definitely the top 5 things that I wouldn’t really search out to experience before I died, but if the opportunity arose, I would probably take it.
What are some things you wouldn’t mind doing? Let me know in the comments!
