100 Things I Would Rather Do Than Vote For Hillary
Politics and Activism

100 Things I Would Rather Do Than Vote For Hillary

Let Edward Scissorhands give me a back massage.

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In a world full of terrible presidential candidates, there is one who truly reigns supreme. Here is a list of 100 things I would rather do than vote for Hillary Clinton this November.

1. Shave my legs with a chainsaw.

2. Delete my Netflix account.

3. Glue my hands to my feet.

4. Lose my car keys.

5. Throw my laptop down a flight of stairs.

6. Stare at the sun.

7. Brush my teeth with a rock.

8. Eat sushi with only one chopstick.

9. Get stuck in an elevator with Kim Kardashian.

10. Re-take the SAT.

11. Name my first born child "Cucumber".

12. Trade in my iPhone for a flip phone.

13. Let my Dad create my Tinder profile.

14. Shave my head.

15. Read the dictionary.

16. Use sandpaper as toilet paper.

17. Accidentally like my ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend's Instagram picture from 2011.

18. Let OJ Simpson show me his knife collection.

19. Get braces again.

20. Inherit our national debt.

21. Eat a handful of bumble bees.

22. Bite into an ice pop.

23. Drink a gallon of mustard.

24. Take Michael Scott to a dinner party.

25. Use vinegar as eye drops.

26. Let Edward Scissorhands give me a back massage.

27. Show my boyfriend my middle school yearbook.

28. Walk on shattered glass.

29. Pet an alligator.

30. Ask Ozzy Osbourne to proofread my English essay.

31. Press * to hear more about the free trip to the Bahamas I won.

32. Invest in Blockbuster stock.

33. Work as a telemarketer.

34. Staple myself to a newspaper.

35. Go for a long drive during rush hour.

36. Bathe in mayonaise.

37. Go to the dentist every day for a month.

38. Carpool to work with the Belcher family.

39. Throw out my childhood stuffed animals.

40. Wear leather underwear.

41. Get kicked off my family's cell phone plan.

42. Move to a nudist colony in Antartica.

43. Put on mascara while riding a roller coaster.

44. Lick a gas station toilet.

45. Makeout with Fetty Wap.

46. Eat an onion like an apple.

47. Marry the guy I went on that really shitty Tinder date with.

48. And have Nickelback come play at our wedding.

49. And honeymoon in Idaho.

50. Pierce my own belly button.

51. Put on jeans after Thanksgiving dinner.

52. Have a permanent Charley Horse in my left leg.

53. Eat a brick.

54. Throw out my brand new Naked palette.

55. Fold a fitted sheet.

56. Learn how to knit.

57. Have an 8:00 a.m. Friday class.

58. Listen to Ross Geller give a lecture on the Paleozoic Era.

59. Have my card get stuck in an ATM.

60. Read Twilight.

61. Swallow a Lego.

62. Photocopy every page of War and Peace.

63. Never eat cheese again.

64. Write my senior thesis using T9 Word.

65. Give birth to quintuplets.

66. Let a mosquito bite me in the ear.

67. Only listen to N'Sync for the rest of my life.

68. Give myself a paper cut between all of my fingers.

69. Read 50 Shades of Grey to my grandmother.

70. Snort baby formula.

71. Share a taxi with the Dance Moms.

72. Fall passionately in love with a toaster.

73. Peel a potato with a toothpick.

74. Always have wet nails.

75. Develop a pizza allergy.

76. Eat hospital food every day.

77. Trade in my skinny jeans for gauchos.

78. Get lost in a corn maze.

79. Drop a bucket of sprinkles and then clean it up.

80. Go on a picnic with Rosie O'Donnell.

81. Drink my liquid foundation with a straw.

82. Listen to a Pandora commercial after every song.

83. Never connect to WiFi again.

84. Road-trip cross country in a Volkswagen Beetle.

85. Cough up a lung.

86. Wear a GAP sweatshirt.

87. Never wash my sheets again.

88. Breathe through a pool noodle for the rest of my life.

89. Eat gluten free for fun.

90. Assemble IKEA furniture.

91. Never be able to scratch another itch.

92. Only wear shoes that are one size too small.

93. Be an Uber driver.

94. Get banned from my local Chipotle.

95. Have pinkies for thumbs.

96. Invite my boss to play Farmville on Facebook.

97. Moisturize my face with hot sauce.

98. Eat leftover salad.

99. Have Nicholas Cage narrate my dreams.

100. Drink Pepsi instead of Coke.

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