Often, men have been trained by society to suppress their emotions. Whether it's because of an overwhelming sense of masculinity or feeling like a burden, it can be hard to express why someone can feel like they should keep how they feel to themselves. All that I, as an individual, can express is how it feels personally. I am writing this partially as a way to express this feeling in a way that makes sense to me, partially to convince other men that letting out your feelings does not have to be an embarrassing experience, and partially as personal therapy. As such, everything that follows is extremely personal and you have been warned.
I grew up in a mostly female household. Life has been fairly easy for me. I am a middle-class, white American. I don't have much to complain about, as far as life is concerned. However, I noticed something interesting as I grew older. As I blossomed into an overweight, hormonal teenager, emotions became a very real threat to me. I had to reconcile my onslaught of feelings with the growing menace of masculinity, a looming stigma that is attached to adulthood. With that came an interesting new experience for me.
"Suck it up and be a man!"
"Stop crying."
"What's the matter with you?"
Whenever I tried to express how I felt to others, it didn't seem like others really cared. It was never: "What's wrong?" It was always, "Why are you acting like this?" or, "Stop it!" Adulthood seemed to bring nothing but some culturally implicit acceptance that I had no emotions about which to ask. Instead, my crying was an invalid expression of a grief that I shouldn't feel, my anger was an annoyance to everybody around me and it needed to be shut off for everybody's benefit, and my fear was something to mock and ridicule for its childishness.
It wasn't until around the age of 18 that I realized just how detrimental male stereotypes had been on my development. At that time, I had my first girlfriend. (I know, I know, laugh it up.) We are still dating to this day and I love her with all my heart. However, I noticed a major problem that comes with these stigmas of emotion. She, being a wonderful and caring person, wants to know how I feel and wants to know what's bothering me. Unfortunately, I had never truly felt like anybody cared about my feelings.
It was because of this that I haven't told her about problems that I've had in the relationship. It was because of this that I'm afraid of telling her about my sorrows. I'm afraid that she will think less of me. It was because of this that I still hesitate to tell her about how I feel when I cry in her arms. It is because of this that I hesitate to continue writing this after having admitted to this being a common occurrence.
It wasn't until today that I would admit it to myself or to her.
This problem is prevalent in our culture and it shows in some of my friends. I've had conversations where people have expressed their annoyance at me because I seem to get upset for no reason. (In actuality, I often find that they thought that because they did not know why I felt that way and they didn't even bother to ask until I informed them that they didn't understand the situation.) This conversation has happened several times with several different friend-groups. Keep in mind, these are some of the best people in my life. They have been there for me in my worst times and they are some of the most open-minded and accepting people who I have ever met, yet they still fell into the trap of masculinity.
Masculinity has poisoned men in society and it causes various psychological problems for people to this day. By denying men their ability to feel, society dehumanizes them. I write this in defiance of this cultural dehumanization and I hope that it helps others feel empowered enough to claim back their feelings for themselves. Don't be ashamed. Let it out. Don't let others dictate your feelings (or lack thereof).
If no one else seems to care, rest assured: I do.
