A few months ago I wrote a piece for the odyssey about my depression. Since then I’ve been thinking a lot about it and the kind of message it spread to people who don’t understand what depression can be like. Of course, my experience with depression is not universal. It was hard for me to recognize that, which is why I am only now writing this.

I’ve been watching Markiplier for a few years now (about 3 I believe) and I used to feel so annoyed whenever people would say that he kept them alive through their depression and suicidal thoughts. Until recently I believed that these were people so desperate for his attention that they would trivialize something so serious. I’m sorry that I felt this way and I’m sorry for people in the future who will feel this way and attack those brave enough to come forward about their depression. What I didn’t understand, and what other people won’t understand, is the idea that depression can be “cured” by some funny videos on the internet. What I didn’t realize that the time is that Markiplier’s videos aren’t a cure but they are enough to pull someone off the cliff’s edge. Just as it may take a few things to push someone over the edge it will take small things to pull them back to carry on for another day.

When I was on the verge of suicide the night before I wrote the aforementioned piece I was able to pull away from those dwelling and inner-collapsing thoughts because I had a friend to text, Who’s Line Is It Anyway to watch, my dog sleeping next to me, and my writing to distract. These aren’t permanent solutions but they carried me through the night just as I imagine Mark’s videos have carried hundred’s through the night as well.

These past few weeks I have been at a pretty low place in my life where all my days off have been spent playing videos games in a dirty dark room with dirty dishes piling up in the kitchen and my bedroom. Everything I did write or planned to write was scrapped after a few sentences. I’m not trying to turn my life into a romanticized black and white video but I want to remind readers that even though I pulled myself out of suicidal thoughts through self-medication for one night it didn’t pull me off the cliff’s edge, just a few steps away from it.

So what I am trying to say to those people who look to Markiplier’s videos for help is that I understand where you’re coming from and I understand how he has helped. I don’t think it’s wrong for you to turn to him when you feel yourself teetering over the edge; I think it’s brave of you to turn to something you love when you need it most instead of dwelling with your heels on solid ground and your toes in air; but I ask you, like Mark has asked you time and time again, not to turn to him and his videos alone. Self-medication only gets you so far, a short distance sprint when you need to run a marathon. Please consider finding something that will help you run that marathon. It’s time to find longer-lasting solutions. People around you may not listen, or you may feel like they aren’t listening; sometimes people will treat you like you’re just begging for attention (these are the same people who don’t like when you “ruin the mood” with your honesty even if they don’t say anything you can tell that you make them uncomfortable by talking about your honest feelings.) But I assure you there are people out there, people like me, who are willing to listen and help.