Sunday, March 5, 2017 was by far the worst day of my life. This was the day my Grandpa, who I always called “Grandaddy” left this world. My sweet Grandaddy had been battling a type of non-hodgkin’s lymphoma called Burkitt’s Lymphoma. This is an incredibly rare cancer that has about a fifty percent chance of survival, depending upon when it is found. He fought hard for as long as he could, and I was blessed to be there the day he went home. Although he couldn’t respond to me, I know he heard me. I talked to him, reminded him how much I loved him, and let him know it was okay to go, and that I understood.

I don’t know that there are enough words in the world to describe the way I felt about my Grandpa. Just like most grandparent and grandchild relationships, there was so much that I admired about my Grandaddy, but there was one quality about him that I believe stood out the most and that was the way he loved his family, and he loved us with an unconditional and fierce kind of love.

Grandparents are an extra special blessing to their Grandchildren, and I think it sometimes goes unnoticed how valuable they are to us. Grandparents are typically the glue that seems to continually bring families together, in good times and bad. There are so many different types of families: big, small, blended, loud, reserved, and so many more, but one thing all families have in common is just a little bit (or maybe a lot) of crazy. I know you all know what I’m talking about, whether it’s the awkward uncle, bratty cousins, or unhinged Grandma that tells too many stories about “the good old days,” we all have some crazy.

Regardless of the type of craziness you have, your family wouldn’t be the same without it, and I know you secretly love it. Throughout all the crazy, Grandparents are most often the grounded ones, who make sure the entire clan of insanity gets together every year, and that the indescribable and unconditional love of the family is not only kept alive, but that their love never goes unnoticed by any member of the family.

This is absolutely what my Grandaddy did for our family. We have a crazy, but truly special, family and my Grandaddy was the center of our circle of craziness.

Growing up, my Grandpa was the only consistent male role model in my life. He was always there, cheering me on, pushing me to be better, attending my school and sports events, and making sure I was minding my Mama. He never stopped being that person for me, even when I moved a thousand miles away to go to college, he would call me every morning to make sure I woke up for those early classes. He didn’t do it because he had to, or because he was worried I would fail college without him (although let’s be honest, I might have, those early classes are tough), he did it because he WANTED to. It was just another way for him to serve his family, and he did it with such a joyful heart. Grandparents are so often the people who serve their families in the sweetest, but most humble of ways. Whether it’s Grandma’s home cooked meals, or the simple but wise words from Grandpa, there is no doubt that they are one of life’s most cherished gifts.

This Christmas season hasn’t been the same for our family with the loss of my Grandaddy. To be completely honest, each holiday and special time this year has also come with a bit of heartbreak. There’s a piece missing from our crazy family, and it’s no small piece. It’s a huge piece of our hearts, and it feels so very difficult to navigate each new holiday and achievement without his voice on the other line cheering us on.

If you’ve lost a grandparent that was a vital and huge part of your life, then maybe you are feeling the same way. It’s not just the holidays, it’s the promotions at work, obtaining diplomas, getting married and the things in life you so wish you could share with them. It was so easy to take each phone call and visit for granted, we feel like our Grandpas are totally invincible, and nothing could ever happen to them. I would be lying if I didn’t say I was angry when I realized my Grandpa didn’t have much longer here on earth. I felt cheated, and I felt like it was totally unfair that cancer was taking him from us so early. He was an incredible man. He worked hard, played hard, and loved harder and now this horrible disease was cheating me and my family of all the time we felt like we should’ve had left with him, but never got.

Now, it has been over nine months since he died and I still find myself crying while I drive down the road, but I think I’ve learned something: I don’t have to be okay all the time. When you lose someone that is so special in your life and your family, you feel like your world is absolutely falling a part. For me, personally, I felt like I had to be the “tough” one when everything happened. I had to be the one to tell my Mom that her Daddy had died, and let me tell you, that wrecks a persons soul. Beyond that, I believed I needed to be the encourager and serve the family as best I could. I needed to be sure everyone else was okay. I’m a fixer at heart and I couldn’t fix this for our family, I couldn’t even find all the right words. After everything had settled, and everyone went back to their lives, I finally let myself grieve through the loss of one of my greatest heroes.

I don’t think the hurt of losing someone ever gets better, but I think we learn how to deal with it in a healthier way. It’s so hard to put into action, but that person that you lost would not want you to live in such a sorrowful state. They would want you to continue growing, learning, and loving. Losing a loved one and a hero can be a devastating thing to walk through, no one’s words will make it better, and there will always be a piece of your heart missing, and that’s okay. You can have bad days where you just cannot hold it together, but you cannot let those days outnumber the good, and your loved one would say the exact same thing. Rather than grieve them, celebrate their life. Share the lessons they’ve taught you, share your memories with those around you, and above all else lean on your family, because they will understand.

As you try to balance all the accomplishments and holidays with the heartbreak of loss, remember: you don’t have to pretend to be okay, you can cry and be upset, but remember that your loved one is proud. They are proud of you for pushing through, they are proud of you for finishing school, getting that promotion, and starting a family; Although they cannot physically be with you, they are there with you in spirit and they’re still right there cheering you on.

If your grandparents are still around, I encourage you to appreciate them a little extra and love them a little better, they won’t always be here and you will wish you had cherished them more. If you lost your grandparent, I’m sorry. I know the heart wrenching pain you’re feeling, but I promise you’ll get through it and come out stronger on the other side. My Grandaddy was one of my greatest heroes, and losing him was beyond devastating, but I’m thankful I can carry on all the lessons and wise words he shared with me, and one day maybe share them with someone who may need them even more.

“A Grandparent is a little bit of a parent, a little bit of a teacher, and a little bit of a best friend.”