Everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt, at least once or twice. Even if I’ve been hurt by someone countless times, I still want to believe that the person didn’t mean it and that he was just having a bad day, or didn’t realize I’d be hurt by his words or actions. But there comes a point where you can’t keep making excuses for people over and over again, especially when they can’t prove to you that they deserve it.

I want to believe that there is good in everyone. When I am wronged, I sit around and think, “Well, he did this because he’s going through a lot right now, and he just didn’t mean what he said, and he’ll be nicer next time, or he’ll prove somehow soon that he didn’t mean it.”

Wrong. That’s not how it’s going to be. And I know it, and he knows it, and my friends know it. Even my mother knows it and tells me to run as far away as I possibly can, but I don’t listen because what if?

There’s this thing, I don’t know how many people are familiar with this concept (read: denial), but there’s this thing called a “pattern.” Patterns consist of the same behavior over and over and over again, with apologies and promises for improvement, but nothing ever changes except the context of the situation. But the behavior never changes, and the person never changes.

I used to have a friend who had no problem screwing me over for a boy. She would go behind my back to go after someone we both liked, or she would divulge personal information about me to some guy she was seeing, just because. And this happened a lot. But we were friends, so we’d fight about it and then makeup because that’s what friends do. But was she really a friend? We went through this cycle over and over – clearly there was a pattern where she completely disregarded my feelings and our friendship and I would make excuses. “Well, I guess she really liked that guy, and that’s why she did that.” But I became a doormat, and let her do it over and over, even when I knew it was coming because I placed value on our friendship and figured it would all be okay and we’d work it out.

There was a boy, and I fell hard and fast for him. And he fell hard and fast for me, too. But he could never keep his promises. And the whole time, I knew that he has this pattern with relationships – where it started out strong and then dwindled pretty quickly, but I told myself that I was different and that he was never going to treat me like he treated the other girls. I was wrong. I put my faith in him because he is a great person, and I made excuses when I saw warning signs and repetition of old behaviors. I got hurt in the end because I sat there and made excuses and ignored what was right in front of me. But why should I crucify someone and throw something so beautiful away over speculation of things that happened in the past?

And then there was another boy who would do anything and everything to be mean and spiteful. He would toy with me and hurt me because he liked seeing a reaction, and it became more ridiculous and severe as time went on, because I cared and had to react. People like him are the absolute worst…but for some bizarre reason that I can’t explain, I cared about him because I actually try to be a good person, and his blatant disregard for my feelings and just had to be explained, right? There must be a reason for why he is the way he is! Doesn’t he deserve the benefit of the doubt?

No. Wrong. Nope.

If anyone does things to be mean and to hurt you, for his or her own pure enjoyment, run. Run far away, as quickly as you can, because it will only get worse. You will continue to make excuses for this person, even when they are hammering down on you like there is no tomorrow, and in the end when it all crumbles down, you will start to believe that everything is your fault.

And it isn’t. I hope you realize that it isn’t. But, when you make excuses for people, you gravitate toward a tendency to believe that since it isn’t their fault, it might just be your own. And you should never feel sorry for someone else’s actions or any misery of theirs that has been projected onto you. You should never feel guilty for something that another person did to you.

You are good. If you make excuses for people, you are a good person. You place the needs of others above your own, and that is beautiful.

But sometimes you need to realize that it’s also really stupid.

You cannot be a doormat. If you let people walk all over you, you’ll never get anywhere and you will continue to sacrifice your happiness, invalidate your own feelings, and live a life of denial until it obliterates you.

In your life and in your relationships with other human beings, the only people who deserve your kindness are those who have earned it. This does not include people who hurt you. And that doesn’t mean that you should treat them unkindly, but that means that they do not deserve your time or energy or anything that you have to offer – because you are wonderful and deserve to be treated right.