It's currently 1am and I'm laying in bed thinking about something that consumes my thoughts 75 percent of the time: my weight. This time last year, I was extremely fit. I meal prepped, worked out every single day, and put forth a huge effort in order to be healthy. This year, hasn't been as easy for me. I turned 21, which means I drink a lot more often than I used to. I'm constantly running around, which means I'm often grabbing food on the go. Believe me when I say, I know these are all just excuses. I know I've let myself go, and I'm having a hard time trying to get back on track. This isn't an article on "I'm seriously going to commit to working out and eating healthy!" This is an article saying: it is hard to lose weight and to make all of those commitments. It's hard to love your body.
I used to look in the mirror and feel alright about my body. After this year, I don't like to look at my body in the mirror at all. Over the course of this year, I've grown to love myself a hell of a lot. I think my personality rocks and I've become the person I'm supposed to be. But I've also grown to hate my body more than anything.
My weight is something I've struggled with since I was in elementary school. I was that sort of big, gawky girl. I began going to Planet Fitness with my dad when I was 13. I played softball, so I was somewhat active. I've gone through periods where I felt great about the way I look, and periods like now, where I feel awful about the way I look. I've tried diets, teatoxes, cleanses, workout plans, Advocare, personal trainers, you name it. I've done it all. Props to the people who are great at staying committed, but it's harder for some of us.
I can sit here and say, "I really let myself go this year and that's motivated me to work out again." In all honesty, it hasn't. I'm just in a slump and I'm struggling to get out of it. I know my weight is most likely going to be up and down for the rest of my life. I'd like to think that someday I'll truly commit to clean eating, but I just love chicken fingers and french fries too damn much. And don't even get me started on cheese. Sometimes eating chicken, vegetables and rice every day isn't realistic.
Something I do that's very toxic is wishing I had a fast metabolism and hating anyone who has one. Anytime I see a skinny girl eating her body weight in pizza, I get ridiculously jealous. I sit there dwelling on the fact that I wish I could eat whatever I want and not gain a pound. In my mind, it's just unfair. If I even look at a cheeseburger, I gain five pounds. But I have to stop doing that because it doesn't make anything better. I can't compare myself to other people because it makes me dislike my body even more. Everyone compares themselves to others on a daily basis. But it's the worst thing we can do for ourselves.
Another toxic thing I do is believe that the reason I'm single is because I'm fat and that means I'm not good enough for anyone. I know this isn't true. Someone who is worthy of your love will love the stretch marks on your thighs and your hips that are slightly disproportionate to the rest of your body. If someone looks at you and thinks you aren't absolutely beautiful, why would you want to be with them? From now on I'm going to wait for the person who loves all of me, cellulite, big butt, chubby tummy and all.
To anyone who's struggling with their self-image: never forget that you aren't alone. Looking in the mirror and loving the figure staring back at you whether it be muscular, slim, or chubby, is hard as hell. For the people like me, who will always be battling with their weight: it's okay. We might lose 25 pounds and then we might gain it all back and then some. No one's perfect. Accepting that we're not perfect is the biggest challenge. Loving your body seems like an impossible task, but we've at least got to start trying.
