My first mistake was wanting love more than anything in the world. I wanted to be treasured by someone and have all of the great things that come with a relationship. I began thinking that every single guy that entered my life was “the one.” Which leads me to my second mistake: I trusted every guy that said it to me. This got me nowhere. That state of mind made me believe that the guy I was hooking up with might one day change his mind and fall in love with me.
Then, he came along. He was so different. He called me just to check in and see how I was during the day. He wanted to spend time with me more than he wanted to text me. He truly made me feel incredible.
The first week of our whirlwind romance was just that—a whirlwind. We couldn’t seem to get enough of each other. After spending 6 days together right off the bat, I learned that I never wanted to lose that feeling I had. So we entered week 2 by going public and he went from a stranger to my boyfriend.
The following three months seemed perfect at the time. This was who I was supposed to be with for the rest of my life, and we were going to make it happen. We talked future plans and thought we had it all figured out.
People warned me about him. I was told that he wasn’t good for me, and that he was deceitful. But they didn’t know him. How was I supposed to take advice from people who didn’t have the slightest clue? It was us against the world, and I was out to prove everyone wrong.
What I didn’t know at the time, was that I was completely falling apart. I would have panic attacks where I felt like I couldn’t breathe because I was making so many sacrifices, and I mistook them for love. I tricked myself into thinking that this was what love was—giving your all to someone who gave a fraction of themselves to you.
Loving him was my worst nightmare. I became someone I didn’t like, so how was I supposed to love him when I didn’t love myself? Somehow, I managed to do this. I loved him more than I loved anything and I was willing to do absolutely anything to make it work. I chose him even though he never chose me.
The night he left was another trick in his box of surprises. A shock. I never saw it coming, and he didn’t seem to care. This is probably because he never cared about me the way I cared about him. Which is exactly why he left me.
“I will never be able to love you the way that you love me.”
I can still hear him say it to this day.
It took me 15 months to get over him. I spent every day of those 15 months being sad, hurt and confused. I didn’t understand how I could love someone too much. So, my walls went back up. I started to push people away and judged people for things they didn’t do. I blamed all the guys that followed for the mistakes that he made. I wasn’t going to let anyone in and let myself be hurt all over again. I never thought anyone would ever love me again, so I never gave them the chance.
Hindsight is 20/20.
Now, I understand what love really is. Love is telling people what you feel and why you feel it. Love is smiling for no reason at all and dancing around your bedroom to happy songs. Love is being able to tell whoever you’re dating that you’re hurting and having them understand. Love is words of affirmation, and hearing them shut down the voice in your head.
Sometimes, it takes being in that tumultuous relationship to understand. Seeing how I’ve been treated now that I’ve opened up to someone again, truly reminds me that I deserve more. I deserve the love that I want to give to someone else, and that’s important to remember.
