As clichè as it may sound, I discovered the truth behind the saying, "you can't love others without loving yourself first," pretty quickly. Leaving home and going far away to college, I thought I had it all figured out. But a few months into school, I was left feeling pretty alone and empty, even though I had a lot of good friends. It took me a while, but I realized that the feeling of loneliness wasn't coming from a place of being truly alone, but not knowing who I was or what I wanted.
I didn't know how to emotionally or physically take care of myself, because I had always had my parents there to hold my hand. Sure, I was capable of being independent. If it came to knowing how to do my laundry or getting my own groceries, it was no problem. But the true necessity of loving myself, being comfortable with who I was, and not being afraid of what others thought was impossible for me.
I spent my whole life finding satisfaction and approval from the people around me, whether it was my family, friends, or strangers. I searched everywhere for the things that got me a "good job," or a round of applause, never finding what actually brought me joy.
It's been a slow and steady process of discovering for me that I didn't truly love myself, It sounds sad, but admitting it's the truth is the first step. I fell deep into time periods of depression where all I knew to do was look for the next "big thing" I could accomplish. Not loving yourself looks different for everyone, but for me, it was putting all of my energy into taking care of and pleasing others, until it meant I was so burnt out I didn't know who I was.
In that I found the truth: No one is going to be able to love you right and how you need until you know what you deserve.
I was never fulfilled even though I was always helping others. I felt like if I did all these things if I juggled a million plates for myself and everyone else. If I was a leader and did things for other people all the time, they had to love me right? and I would know how to love them? Wrong. I found myself wound up with people who didn't love me at all, and called me selfish when I was all out of energy from trying to take care of them. People who never understood when I hit walls followed by breakdowns saying I "always did this," unable to see that it was my cry for help. People who didn't really know me, or try to get to know me. When the truth came flooding in, it was heartbreaking, but I learned some really big lessons from it.
You have to be your own best friend and partner first. You have to learn to be okay with being alone. You have to look within yourself to find the sunshine, not always search for it in others.
Spend time alone with yourself. It can be difficult and scary, especially in a world where the ability (or at least we may think) to be reassured and given attention is at our fingertips.
There may always be the next best person or thing, but they aren't you.
They don't know the things you enjoy, the things that bring you true happiness in life. Find the things you love, besides people. Find the hiking path that makes you feel alive again, find a hobby like painting or playing a piano that makes you feel accomplished, not for others but for you. Find the books you love to read and what you want your future to look like, not based around anyone else's plans or ideas for you.
Take the time away from the life you knew. Look for the ones who support you through the struggle. Once it's all said and done, you will be able to love them right because you took the time to learn to really take care of yourself.
