It's come to my attention recently that I'm not always the greatest friend. Not in the sense that I don't care about my friends or anything, but that I push them away whenever I get the chance to. I can be fully invested and love my friends so much, but as soon as I feel like something is wrong, I start backing out of the friendship. I leave before I am left. I never really viewed this as an issue, I just saw it as a way to protect myself from getting hurt.
After further evaluation, I looked at the people I've surrounded myself with. None of my romantic relationships work because I just never let myself get attached to them, and my "best friends" are growing few. I've pushed away those who I care about most. My real friends stay close to because they know what games I play. They're always ready to tell me when I have gone too far, and explain to me that my actions will get me into trouble. It is an issue.
Why can't I let people get close to me?
What am I going to do to make sure I don't push more people out of my life?
I'm afraid of abandonment. My guess is that most people are. In this day and age, it's hard to find one completely secure in their relationships, due to trust, abandonment, or intimacy issues. I get insecure in my friendships, and lose my confidence that they'll stick around through the hard times, even though they really haven't given me many reasons to feel that way. I go where I feel I'm wanted, and if there's a second of doubt, I try to get out, no matter the consequences.
I act like it doesn't hurt me. I turn around and walk away from everyone who cares about me. I appear to have my life together, strong and confident. On the inside, however...
To the friends I have hurt: I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm not secure enough in my relationships to keep you around all the time. I'm sorry you let me in, and I let you down every time I try to fight you and push you away. Thank you for sticking by me when you don't even want to; when you want to throw in the towel.
To the people who can relate: please start communicating with the people you love. Not every encounter with someone you hold close should be a struggle. Not everything should be a fight. Be confident in your achievements, and don't let yourself throw your happiness away.
