My parents met at 19 at a fraternity party and have been happily-ever-after since. Mom came from Southern California on a volleyball scholarship, while Dad was a born and raised Northern Virginian, who while in school excelled at partying. Between my mom playing a division one sport, their geographic distance over the breaks, being in a party environment and most of all their young age, it is shocking they worked out. There are two important aspects they were able to develop over this time-- independence for themselves and trust for one another.

Often, imagine if this scenario was to play out in 2017, not 1987. Obviously, there are relationship problems that come up in dating since the beginning of time, but it brings to question how much simpler would dating be without the constant, or anticipation for, buzzing from your hand held device.? How would have my parent’s relationship played out with the use of technology? Would my mom have gotten upset with various Snapchat stories she saw of my father while on the road with her team? Could my father have been too clingy, or too cool, when it came to texting? Would it been more difficult for them to focus on what they had going, when Instagrams or late night Facebook messages came in from their hometown exes? Would technology have eradicated their young love?

These scenarios often occur in my friends’ and my own relationships now. On the surface, texting and social media in a relationship can be fun but overtime the mind-games that emerge and the constant uncertainties that come with this can drive one or both partners to insanity trying to decipher what it all means. Communication over a digitized screen can be interpreted in so many ways and weighing the options often results in extreme overthinking. Below I listed scenarios that erupt with technology and relationships.

1. Texting and Courting

It’s new! It’s fun! Texting someone you’ve just met! This doesn’t constitute for getting to know the person in person, but it’s a confidence boost and exciting to start receiving messages or “likes” from prospective partners. This often takes a turn and becomes strategic.

Striving to become the perfect combination of interested yet hard to get is difficult when constant communication is so readily available. Strategic answers, vague responses to vague possible date plans, timing of when we hit the send button in accordance to when they last sent their text, all par for the course in the early stages. Rather than blurt out what would be said in reality, we stare at a screen, type and erase, contemplate wording and ask for outside advice. All of this, disingenuous of how this “getting to know you” period would play out in person.

1. Too Soon to Make It Social Media Apparent?

Texting, today’s “talking to someone”, can be kept private. But, when is it appropriate to cross that line onto social media? Posting or tagging someone, available for everyone to view, can push a relationship to be defined or public. The timing of when to take a photo together, let alone post it, let alone pick a caption that hints “we are together, but it’s too soon to make it mushy, so let me make a cheesy joke as well”, all add up to ,in some ways, taking status from “single” to in “relationship”. A simple photo can expose a relationship, but what if your partner isn’t ready for that? So now, there just becomes an unspoken agreement of when that becomes appropriate? What happens when one is ready for the social media debut and the other can’t commit? An awkward scenario displayed in the cyber world of blooming romance with a possible lack of mutual feelings.

1. Stop Texting Me All The Time, I Got Shit To Do

A thought comes into your head and you can easily grab your phone and tell the significant other all about it. You can receive their input or reaction on a dime’s notice. No matter if it’s the beginning or months in, the constant daily texting can become a routine. Messaging becomes a drawn out conversation over days, no break in communication. It is a constant in life, routine, one more thing to multitask. The convenience of it all, really makes for no excuse not to respond.

As Millennials, there are few excuses for not being able to juggle daily activities with texting. There is no “couldn’t get to a phone”, “my roommate was using the house phone all night”, or “I didn’t have change on me to use the pay phone”. With no excuse, there is no time to be alone in thought. If or if not a text message is received plays an input in what is given full attention. There is a constant presences of a partner at all times in your mobile device. Easy to conclude, this creates a dependency, during moments when something other than a personal relationship demands undivided attention.

1. Ghosting of Hook-Ups Past

Ah the Ghost, a new tactic for the modern day douche lord. It would be wrong if to not say females were guilty of this too. Referring to what was said earlier, it is easy to respond to a text. If the idea of conversing over a digital media wasn’t sort of “flaky” enough, virtually standing someone up is pretty bad. Overall, the idea of the “Ghoster” brings up the idea of how cowardly relationships dependent on a digital presence can be. As easy as it is to be flirtatious or kind over a text, it is easy to be the opposite.

How difficult is it for to express feelings or say no over a phone call or to someone’s face? Very. It’s hard to be rude when witnessing the reactions of others, personally. No emoji use will ever suffice to the look of love, excitement, disappointment, or heartbreak in person. Texting in these scenarios, often leave you questioning the legitimacy of it all. Whether the Ghoster or the Ghostee, it leaves both questioning why the emotions were so easy to say over a keypad but in reality would never match up.

1. A Break-Up: With Both Them and Your Phone

When the relationship has run it’s course, the phone becomes the enemy. A lover one must part with, as well. It becomes apparent communication stops, how big of a part the digital aspect played in a relationship. No more “How’s your day going?” or “What you up to today?”, The phone chimes and what would have once been a lover, now is just disappointedly your mother asking if you booked that dentist appointment. It’s just another constant reminder of “what use to be”.

The phone also becomes a temptation. In the past, people would go places in hopes of “casually running into” their exes. Or God forbid, call their house phone hoping their parents or roommate doesn’t answer first. Now, after sulking to Adele, it is super easy to get in contact with that person, who is mostly likely, an ex for a reason. These desperate attempts often drag relationships longer and their emotions, than necessary. The convenience of sending a text to an ex, just to “catch up”,makes it difficult for either to move on or be fully present in life at that time.

In conclusion, texting and social media are not going anywhere, but the psychological role it plays in relationships is extremely prevalent. It stunts growth as both an individual in a relationship and as a couple. During a time as young as late teens to our twenties, there is a need to learn independence and survival on our own. Relationships in general are sticky at a young age, there is little idea of self or healthy relationships. Texting just adds elements of dependency and distrust that can become detrimental to a relationship. Millennials are the lab rats of technology, no real guidance of how it should be done, just test and error. Is this generation responsible to create the “Rules and Etiquette of Texting” for future generations, while they constantly create difficulty out of a channel that was designed to make things easier?