As your roommate, I pledge to allow every one of your minute actions to piss me off in some way, shape or form. I further pledge to never let you know in any candid or direct way that said actions bother me. Instead, I will make it my duty to drop obnoxious hints whenever possible that your lifestyle is incompatible with mine. This will surely be the best course of action for both of us and lead to a harmonious co-existence. Problems and responses may include but are not limited to:
Clothing and debris on the bedroom floor.
When your side of the room becomes too messy, I will make my side scrupulously clean for contrast. If any routes within the room have been rendered impassible due to a wall of your three-week-old dirty laundry as high as my chest, a snow shovel may be employed to carve a temporary path.
Conflicts in sleeping schedules.
If you habitually go to bed at 10:00 p.m. (three hours earlier than any normal college student), I will make it a point to listen to dubstep on the stereo rather than with headphones or turn the TV volume at least 50 percent louder than usual. I may also find it convenient to practice violin at night from now on. Alternatively, if you take to staying up all night and sleeping all morning until your first class at 1:30 p.m., the above-stated activities will be performed in the early morning.
Violations in sharing food.
“Shared” food implies that we each consume approximately 50 percent of the servings. Just because I am not currently eating the peanut butter does not give you permission to eat the rest of it. Upon finding the nearly empty jar, I will thoughtfully insert a note saying, “I would have loved a PBJ last night, but that’s okay. I survived,” for you to find next time you wish to snack.
Using my personal items.
As you can probably tell, I am a fairly reasonable guy. However, there are certain personal effects of mine that I feel, it goes without saying, are off-limits. Although I may leave my deodorant, razor, shoes or winter jacket out in the open, I do so under the assumption that any right-minded human being wouldn’t touch them. Don’t be surprised when you can no longer find these items, as they may now be located in my padlocked desk drawer.
Praise for good behavior.
Worry not. Good behavior will not go unnoticed. Whenever you do manage to pick your underwear up off the floor or wash a dish that you used last week, it will be greeted with an encouraging comment such as, “Wow. I forgot what the floor in here actually looked like,” or, “Oh! So you do know where we keep the dish soap.”
I’m sure that these carefully planned, spiteful behaviors will alleviate any tension between us brought about by your abhorrent lifestyle. Get ready for a great year!
Love,
Your Passive-Aggressive Roommate
