I am a girl. I am a girl who believes in everyone and is optimistic throughout every opportunity in her life. I am a girl that considers you her friend after the first time we meet and the same girl who can tell you her life story in five minutes. I am impatient to a fault, but will be patient if it's what the people I love want.
I am also the girl who loves boys who don't love her back. Yes, I realize love is a strong word and it would be easier to just call it infatuation. But what qualifies you to know what love is? Love can have many meanings and evoke many feelings. Plato wrote that in order to be a "Lover" you must continue to love even after you are hurt by love. I am a Lover and I feel the "keener wound."
I believe in each boy with a fire that ignites my heart until I stumble into that deep hurt that happens every time. Each one fools me into believing that they are better. I tell myself that I have high hopes for them because I believe in them. I know that though each one has done bad things, their hearts are not bad. I notice the little things that they do. I notice when they get jealous or the times they look at me with happiness in their eyes. I latch onto the times when they are good. I want them to be better.
Perhaps this is selfish because I want them to be better for myself. This selfish need I have for them to care about me just as much as I care about them leads me to heartbreak time and time again. It stings me until I feel unloved and alone. I push into them with a fervor that only pushes them away. They can't care about me because they don't have enough care left after they care for themselves. Often times we are the center of our own universe. Only some people can persevere through that constraint until they can understand the universe of others. These boys don't have the mental capacity or the capacity in their hearts to do that... yet.
After each crash and burn I tell myself that it will be okay because it will. I choose to be a lover even after feeling that hurt. It would be worse to allow those boys to have power over my life even after they are gone.
