My dearest Taco Bell,
People say that I shouldn’t love you so much, but what do people know about love? The United State’s divorce rate is at 50 percent, more and more people are opting for “friends with benefits” relationships over actual ones, and giving compliments has somehow become “swiping right on Tinder” or “liking an Instagram photo” over actually giving a compliment (you know, the type where words come out of your mouth). With the way my generation treats love, I never would have thought that I would find a relationship quite like ours.
I love you because you’re always there for me (especially since you’re open on South Claiborne until 3 am on the weekdays and 5 am on the weekends). You’re easily accessible. With over 6,500 locations across the United States you are never too far from intoxicated, or sober, me when I crave you. Your cheap food is easy on my destitute, student wallet (shoutout to your dollar menu with 11 tasty options). You are the master of your craft; with only like ten basic ingredients (meat, cheese, beans, rice, etc.), you are able to create a diverse menu.
Not only do you appease my needs, you appease so many others. Celebrities like Fergie, Anna Kendrick, and Justin Timberlake love you just as much as I do. I’m not even mad that I have to share you with other people, especially because now I have something in common with JT. In addition to your food satisfying me in ways no one has ever satisfied me, you give me great advice about the way to live my life. Your slogans “Live Más” and “Think Outside the Bun” are unadulterated words of wisdom.
But like all relationships, ours isn’t perfect. There are things that I wish I could change about you. You are so filthy and dirty that I cannot eat you before midnight and your food makes me feel like crap after I eat it. You could probably market yourself as a laxative and make just as much money off of it. You aren't the cleanest of all places. Multiple restaurants of yours have failed health inspection.
But what hurts me the most is that you lack the essential element that all relationships need to be able to to thrive: honesty. You’re hardly honest about what is truly in your food. An employee of yours stated that the meat is made from 88 percent “premium beef” and 12 percent “signature recipe.” But what is in your signature recipe? From what I’ve heard, it may be horse meat. There are literally hundreds of other restaurants that I could be, no should be just as obsessed with. Without you I’d probably be five pounds lighter. I’ve tried to quit you, but you’ve just got me under your stupid spell.
Although I think you are a disgusting, dreadful habit of mine, I’m not ashamed of my fondness toward you. You are mine and I will always love you.
Yours truly,
Liz Byrom
