I’ve been thinking about you today.
You crossed my mind when I woke up this morning and realized I had missed my 8:30 exam. And when I saw someone's leftover "present" in the toilet of the girls bathroom. I thought of you when I drank spoiled milk, and when I stubbed my toe. I even thought of you when I heard someone laughing this rather shrill, unpleasant cackle in the library.
Every time I thought of you.
Now I know you might be thinking, “These are horrible things to be associated with!” Well, yes, yes they are. But lucky you cross my mind at all, right?
Okay, so it’s not your face, or your clothes, or the way you walk or eat your food, even though I do tend to get angry at those things all too often.
It’s not your inability to make me laugh or the fact that your presence alone makes my skin crawl, even though these things truly do bewilder me.
When it comes down to it, I just don’t like you very much, and I don’t mean that in a terrible way. It’s just that I can’t see myself ever being able to tolerate someone like you.
That’s not to say you’re the only one. I simply can’t be around people who are insincere, that’s all. I’m sure to your friends you are wonderful and to your family you are undeniably loved. For me, I can’t pretend I feel the same.
I do not hate you, I just can’t relate with you. I can’t try and pretend that I will get along with someone who doesn’t respect me enough to talk to me like a real person. The condescending tone and the nose up in the air all just add to the already roaring flame for me.
Now this doesn’t mean I want you to change. No, I think that could actually make matters worse if you tried. I don’t want you to go out of your way to talk to me more, or ask me about my day, especially when you don’t really care. I don’t want you to complain to your friends about how I seem to not like you and you don’t know why, because frankly, what else would the purpose of this letter be?
Truly, I should be apologizing. I don’t know what it is about me that won’t allow myself to like you. You are liked by so many somehow, and I just can’t get myself to see it no matter how hard I’ve tried.
Now, here is my proposal. I propose that you stop trying to be my friend, and I stop trying to give you the hint that that will never happen. I propose we drop contact for the sake of both of our sanities. No one likes to not be liked. Trust me when I say that I’ve felt that before, and it’s a terrible feeling. I want you to feel like you are liked by so many because that’s what you deserve. I can’t give that to you and I don’t want to give that to you. So I think it’s time we both move on and go our (completely) separate ways.
XO
