A Love Letter To The Things That Scare Me

A Love Letter To The Things That Scare Me

Finding the beauty in the scary.

Dear skydiving: you are breathless, raw, kinetic energy. You are courageous chaos. You are gulps of adrenaline that I'm too scared to take. Dear spiders: you write cobweb poems in every corner, and something about that is beautiful. Dear past: you happened, and you taught me that painting is best with a smock on. Dear future: you're coming, and I can't see you. You're a swift shapeshifter, a marvel that still puzzles the psychics. I feel that you always will. I'll let you arrive when you're ready.

Dear clowns: you bring so much joy into the world. Keep being silly. The world needs it. Dear failure: you sting like a slap across the face. You're pink and scared and small and full of possibilities. You never forget to visit us all. Dear anxiety: you paint haunting pictures of pink failure that are fit to hang in an art gallery. You're the most reliable alarm clock, and you're usually early for the party. Your whispered words always know how to lodge themselves perfectly into my skull. Dear depression: you are fabulous at cuddling -- that is, the type of cuddling that makes you shiver and makes you sleepy at the same time. You are hooded and faceless. Your mystery and your constancy clash like sets of teeth. You make me feel everything and nothing all at once.

Dear regrets: you're those silvery clouds of mist we all try to catch in loose grips before you're out there in the world forever. You're the birthday balloon that flew out of my hands in the grocery store parking lot when I was five; you floated away, and I've always remembered that. Dear vulnerability: you are red scars, fresh wounds, new blood, purple-and-blue skin. You are wide open windows and freshly cut grass and leaves changing color in autumn. You are saying love first and never stopping. Dear death: you're the dark stranger standing at the end of the alley smoking a cigar. You're bathed in lamplight and surrounded by curling smoke. Everybody wants to know all about you, but none who find out ever make it out alive.

Dear everything that scares me and frightens me and worries me: you exist. You are crazy and unpredictable and wild in your existence, and I can't control the way you'll affect my life. The perfectionist inside of me hates you, and the worrier inside of me fears you, but the artist inside of me sees your beauty. You are a double-dog-dare staring me in the face, forcing me not to avert my eyes. And I'm trying my best not to look away from you. To stare right back and let you know that I exist too.



Cover Image Credit: TIME Magazine

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To The Parent Who Chose Addiction

Thank you for giving me a stronger bond with our family.


When I was younger I resented you, I hated every ounce of you, and I used to question why God would give me a parent like you. Not now. Now I see the beauty and the blessings behind having an addict for a parent. If you're reading this, it isn't meant to hurt you, but rather to thank you.

Thank you for choosing your addiction over me.

Throughout my life, you have always chosen the addiction over my programs, my swim meets or even a simple movie night. You joke about it now or act as if I never questioned if you would wake up the next morning from your pill and alcohol-induced sleep, but I thank you for this. I thank you because I gained a relationship with God. The amount of time I spent praying for you strengthened our relationship in ways I could never explain.

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Thank you for giving me a stronger bond with our family.

The amount of hurt and disappointment our family has gone through has brought us closer together. I have a relationship with Nanny and Pop that would never be as strong as it is today if you had been in the picture from day one. That in itself is a blessing.

Thank you for showing me how to love.

From your absence, I have learned how to love unconditionally. I want you to know that even though you weren't here, I love you most of all. No matter the amount of heartbreak, tears, and pain I've felt, you will always be my greatest love.

Thank you for making me strong.

Thank you for leaving and for showing me how to be independent. From you, I have learned that I do not need anyone else to prove to me that I am worthy of being loved. From you, I have learned that life is always hard, but you shouldn't give into the things that make you feel good for a short while, but should search for the real happiness in life.

Most of all, thank you for showing me how to turn my hurt into motivation.

I have learned that the cycle of addiction is not something that will continue into my life. You have hurt me more than anyone, but through that hurt, I have pushed myself to become the best version of myself.

Thank you for choosing the addiction over me because you've made me stronger, wiser, and loving than I ever could've been before.

Cover Image Credit: http://crashingintolove.tumblr.com/post/62246881826/pieffysessanta-tumblr-com

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I Had To Love Myself Before I Could Be Loved Again

Always know your self worth and love yourself.


After being in a toxic relationship, I had fallen out of love with myself. I began to hate the person I had become. I had gained more weight which made me resent my body. I saw each one of my flaws which I was reminded of from him each and every day.

I began to hate the size of my upper lip because I felt like it curved up too much when I smiled. I hated the size of my breasts because they were overly huge and he reminded me of that. I hated the size of my fingers because I was told that was the only small thing about me.

I hated everything about myself.

After leaving him, I began to love myself again. I began to love the way my top lip curled up when I smiled because my smile is beautiful. I got a breast reduction and that made me feel amazing. I realized my fingers were a normal size since my ring size was normally sold out.

I fell in love with the size of my body. I fell in love with the fact that I was 5'2 and I was short and that was OK. I fell in love with the length of my eyelashes and how my hair is naturally wavy.

I had to see that I was beautiful.

I realized my beauty. I realized I was worth more than what I was being told. I realized how intelligent I was. I realized my self-worth.

After falling in love with all of these aspects of myself, I was able to let someone else fall in love with them. I had to find the pieces of myself that were beautiful to allow someone else to find them as well.

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