A Love Letter To My Body

A Love Letter To My Body

It's long overdue.

Dear Body,

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry all the days I sought perfection from you. I'm sorry for all the complaints I have issued about you over the years. I'm sorry for the dirty looks you've received from me. I'm sorry for all the bad words I have called you and the times when I insulted you. I'm sorry for telling other people how you weren't good enough. I'm sorry that I have made you feel unloved and unwanted.

You didn't deserve any of it.

You didn't deserve to feel unloved by me. Of all people, I should have cherished you. I should have lifted you up and let you know how much I appreciate you. After all, you do everything for me. Some people would be grateful to do half the things you can do and here I am complaining about a fully capable body. My mind can only want to walk or dance, but I need you to make it happen and you have without fail for almost twenty-one years. There are some things that you can't do yet, but that does not make you any less competent and efficient.

You have never failed me.

You have always been there for me. We have had ups and downs but in the end, you have never done anything wrong. I blamed you for any unwanted weight that I would see. But I forgot that I was the one that wanted the foods and you were just doing your job. I blamed you for any imperfections I saw such as stretch marks or cellulite, but it's not your fault. You didn't give me those things to punish me. It's natural, plenty of people have those things and yet I blamed you.

I don't always listen to you.

You've yelled at me several times but I have ignored you. Any pain that I have had was usually caused because I did not listen to what you were trying to tell me. You didn't deserve that either. You were only trying to warn me.

I did listen to the media though...

I listened and consumed everything that they told me was considered beautiful. Because of that, I put you down and hated you for years. I looked in the mirror and picked apart every little thing that I had that supermodel didn't or everything I didn't have that supermodels did. I let the media make me believe that you weren't beautiful. I let the media make me believe that my body would hinder my career and make me undesirable to a potential husband. I thought no one would find me attractive and I blamed you for that.

However, you never made me unattractive...

What did make me unattractive was my hatred towards you. It made me hide myself. It made me close up and not want to be looked at by anyone. It made me cold and distant. It made me sad and angry and most of that stemmed from my feelings about you. It made me look for validation in the wrong places when I need to look for it within myself. It made me waste years not seeing how wonderful you truly were for years.

But I know that now.

I know how beautiful you are. I see how much you do for me. I love you now. I couldn't say that for years. I didn't want to see you. Instead of trying to improve you I complained. I considered surgery to remove things or enhance them. But now I've decided that if I can't naturally change it, then I'm supposed to have it. I don't cringe at the thought of you anymore. I instead love you and work hard to make sure you know how much. I try to feed you good things and exercise so that you are in your best form. I don't put harmful things inside of you and I say nice things about you. You've been due for several compliments and I'm going to spend the rest of my life making it up to you. I don't care if other people don't see how gorgeous you are, I see it now, and I'm the most important person because we are together every single day.

I'm just happy I realized it now.

Now, while I'm still younger and I can appreciate you. I'm happy I didn't wait until it was too late to fall in love with you. I'm happy I can still use you and I didn't have to find out the hard way, that you were always there for me. Like all relationships, it's going to take work. I might have days where I revert back and lose confidence in you slightly. But I make you this promise, that I will never go to bed angry at you again. I might forget how great you are, but it will only be temporary. I will continue to love you and make you feel special. You are the only body I will ever have and quite frankly you are the best body I could ever ask for. Your job is to make sure that I survive life on Earth and you are the best at your job.

I love you,

I love you,

I love you!

Oh and thank you!

Cover Image Credit: Silvana Denker / Facebook

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To The Person Who Feels Suicidal But Doesn't Want To Die

Suicidal thoughts are not black and white.

Everyone assumes that if you have suicidal thoughts that means you want to die.

Suicidal thoughts are thought of in such black and white terms. Either you have suicidal thoughts and you want to die, or you don't have suicidal thoughts and you want to live. What most people don't understand is there are some stuck in the gray area of those two statements, I for one am one of them.

I've had suicidal thoughts since I was a kid.

My first recollection of it was when I came home after school one day and got in trouble; and while I was just sitting in the dining room I kept thinking, “I wonder what it would be like to take a knife from the kitchen and just shove it into my stomach." I didn't want to die, or even hurt myself for that matter. But those thoughts haven't stopped since.

I've thought about going into the bathroom and taking every single pill I could find and just drifting to sleep and never waking back up, I've thought about hurting myself to take the pain away, just a few days ago on my way to work I thought about driving my car straight into a tree. But I didn't. Why? Because even though that urge was so strong, I didn't want to die. I still don't, I don't want my life to end.

I don't think I've ever told anyone about these feelings. I don't want others to worry because the first thing anyone thinks when you tell them you have thoughts about hurting or killing yourself is that you're absolutely going to do it and they begin to panic. Yes, I have suicidal thoughts, but I don't want to die.

It's a confusing feeling, it's a scary feeling.

When the depression takes over you feel like you aren't in control. It's like you're drowning.

Every bad memory, every single thing that hurt you, every bad thing you've ever done comes back and grabs you by the ankle and drags you back under the water just as you're about the reach the surface. It's suffocating and not being able to do anything about it.

The hardest part is you never know when these thoughts are going to come. Some days you're just so happy and can't believe how good your life is, and the very next day you could be alone in a dark room unable to see because of the tears welling up in your eyes and thinking you'd be better off dead. You feel alone, you feel like a burden to everyone around you, you feel like the world would be better off without you. I wish it was something I could just turn off but I can't, no matter how hard I try.

These feelings come in waves.

It feels like you're swimming and the sun is shining and you're having a great time, until a wave comes and sucks you under into the darkness of the water. No matter how hard you try to reach the surface again a new wave comes and hits you back under again, and again, and again.

And then it just stops.

But you never know when the next wave is going to come. You never know when you're going to be sucked back under.

I always wondered if I was the only one like this.

It didn't make any sense to me, how did I think about suicide so often but not want to die? But I was thinking about it in black and white, I thought I wasn't allowed to have those feelings since I wasn't going to act on them. But then I read articles much like this one and I realized I'm not the only one. Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, and my feelings are valid.

To everyone who feels this way, you aren't alone.

I thought I was for the longest time, I thought I was the only one who felt this way and I didn't understand how I could feel this way. But please, I implore you to talk to someone, anyone, about the way you're feeling; whether it be a family member, significant other, a friend, a therapist.

My biggest mistake all these years was never telling anyone how I feel in fear that they would either brush me off because “who could be suicidal but not want to die," or panic and try to commit me to a hospital or something. Writing this article has been the greatest feeling of relief I've felt in a long time, talking about it helps. I know it's scary to tell people how you're feeling, but you're not alone and you don't have to go through this alone.

Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, your feelings are valid, and there are people here for you, you are not alone.

If you're thinking about hurting yourself please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit suicidepreventionhotline.org to live chat with someone. Help it out there and you are not alone.

Cover Image Credit: BengaliClicker

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If I Could, I'd Start Running And Not Stop Until I Got To Kenya ​

The high altitudes of this east African country make conditions ideal for any runner looking to excel.


If you're into running like me, then it's no secret where the best runners in the world come from. The African country of Kenya is home to some of the greatest runners to ever step foot on planet earth. Phenomenal talent emerges from Kenya year after year. Records get shattered as if they were minor accomplishments. Most of the talent goes unnoticed until the Olympic games roll around and get showcased to the world.

Kenya is a place I've always wanted to visit. Many of my running idols either live or train in Kenya. I'm talking about some world record holding athletes. Like Eliud Kipchoge, for example, who recently broke the world record for the fastest marathon ever. He trains every day alongside other world-class runners on the NN Running Team.

I constantly see athletes post on social media about their experiences while they training in Kenya. I think I would enjoy getting to know the culture. Life as a runner in Kenya looks like a lot of fun. The trails and roads look fascinating. There are always other runners striving to push one another towards their highest potential.

One big reason why I'd want to visit Kenya is that life seems so calm and simple. I wouldn't be caught up in the trends of society that resides while living in the United States. At times I feel overwhelmed and depressed from what goes on in the USA. I feel like there is a constant theme of people trying to outdo one another.

It's annoying because we are all the same and nothing should separate us, Sometimes I just want to get away from all that. I'd rather live out like a hermit and pave my own path in the vast open lands of eastern Africa. I admire the closeness of people in tribes and group settings in Kenya. People seem to be bonded tightly and enjoy the precious moments of life.

From what I read about Kenyan athletes, it sounds like I'd enjoy my time in the country. I would get to train with like-minded individuals day in and day out. The scenery would be incredible and breathtaking. There's just something about Kenya that gravitates me towards it. I've got it on my bucket list to accomplish at some point in my life.

Maybe my running ties could lead me to this place someday. Who knows, I'm just going to keep running until I can't anymore.

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