So, not sure if I mentioned this but if I didn't, I attended an all girls catholic high school and now currently go to a co-ed university.

Talk about a big change.

Anyway- so now there are guys. In my opinion, I've gotten used to seeing them, I'm just still awkward AF so I have little to no guy friends. I've never dated anyone before. Never kissed or anything like that. I'm the virgin of all virgins, so I'm basically a unicorn. But there is was this guy I had a HUGE crush on. I don't know how to properly explain this but I'm the type of person who will always be herself when talking to people (either that or I'm unusually silent) and this one guy I had a crush on him so big that I didn't know how to act. I mean, there are complications in this nonexistent relationship because he doesn't know I like him, but dating is out of the question anyway. Why, you may ask? To put it simply, he can't date. Which really really sucks for me because he was/is my first major crush. But he can't date so I'm trying really hard to get over my stupid little crush because I really want to stay friends. He's a great guy and a bunch of other things I'm not going to say because I'm totally over him.

Pssshh.

Totally.

The point of mentioning this is that there are lengths girls/guys will go to see their crush that I didn't even realize until I had a huge crush on my own. I live on campus and the guy I liked was a commuter- so I went out of my way to go do work or just hang out in the cafeteria just so I could see him. Call me pathetic, call me a loser, call me whatever you want but I really really liked this guy and I wanted to make sure I did everything I could to see him. Maybe it's just me, but I think when you like someone you go out of you way to see them... even if it is just watching him from across the cafeteria, which I totally did not do because I'm not a stalker.

I guess some things aren't meant to work out, because there are obstacles such as family problems or even your friends thinking he's gay (which he isn't). I let myself fall so hard that I'm trying to figure out how to get over something I never had to begin with.

All I know is that its hard as f***. That's why they call them crushes- because you end up crushed. In fact, I can't even tell you how many times I cried or had panic attacks over this guy. Over a guy. Before all this I didn't even know your heart could physically hurt. Over a stupid guy.

I had a conversation with my best friend the other day who goes to school in a different state, and I was yelling because I was upset. I said something along the lines of "WHY CANT LOVE BE LIKE THE STUFF I READ IN BOOKS." And she said something very insightful... well I mean it helped me. She said "CAUSE LIFE ISN'T FULL OF HAPPY ENDINGS WHERE THE GUY CHOOSES THE NERDY GIRL (that's me guys !!). LIFE IS FULL OF F***BOYS WHO LIKE TO F*** OVER GIRLS."

Now keep in mind the guy I'm talking about here is anything BUT a f***boy, but the point is I guess by living my love life through books I never realized that love isn't like books at all. Forget about waiting for prince charming- I was waiting for my Levi (Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell), but it doesn't work like that. I had to learn that the hard way.

Originally I wrote part of this ages ago and posted it on my blog. So currently, I've been over this guy for a while now. But through my friendship with him, I have a whole new group of friends who actually like to hang out with me. I even have guy friends now, I mean I'm still awkward AF but that's a personality thing that isn't gonna change anytime soon. But I never realized how much could come out of one tiny (....not really) crush/ heartbreak that I essentially set myself up for. I've become more outgoing- now I go do things I would have never done before if I hadn't had a crush on this guy. It's sounds stupid, and I would never give him the satisfaction of knowing it, but this experience really helped shape me as a person. It might be weird- no it's REALLY weird, but even though it hurt at first, it all worked out for the best.