As I’m typing this, I am catching some serious glare off of my perfect engagement ring I received from the love of my life two short weeks ago. I’m not too mad about it.
Every once in a while, I look down at my ring, and I think about years ago when little Sierra wrote about her “perfect marriage.” In fact, I recently found a journal I wrote in from a purity retreat I attended in junior high. One of the activities from the weekend was to write a list of everything you want in your future husband, and why you think that that trait suits you.
1. I want someone who is funny. I like to laugh so I want someone to make me laugh all the time.
2. I want someone who likes to hike because I like to hike.
3. I want someone who doesn’t argue with me because I don’t want to fight. (hahaha…)
4. I want someone who thinks I’m pretty because that would be nice.
5. I want someone who loves Jesus because I want him to go to heaven.
And my personal favorite…
6. I want someone who will be in love with me forever because I want my marriage to be good.
I grew up watching copious amounts of Disney movies (and I feel like I should mention that I still watch them and sing every song, and quote every word… and sound effect).
These movies captivated little Sierra by always showing the sweet glances, the synchronized singing, the dancing in the moonlight, the magic carpet rides. (OK, maybe not the last one.)
But really!
Then fast forward to when little Sierra outgrew Disney movies and moved onto Nicholas Sparks movies.
Noah and Allie from "The Notebook":
I mean the guy wrote her 365 letters! A letter for every day of the dang year! And should I mention, she was she was engaged! To somebody else! But the pursuit never stopped!
Leo and Paige from "The Vow":
She wakes up from a coma and doesn’t even know who her husband is and he is just so quick to be like, “Oh don’t worry! I’m gonna love you anyway!”
"The Last Song," "Safe Haven," "The Lucky One" … oh man.
But here’s the thing — sure, Nicholas Sparks movies might show a little more of a reality than Disney movies. I have yet to see Cinderella’s prince write her a bunch of letters while she’s engaged to someone else.
If only Disney movies showed where the princess and prince didn’t see eye-to-eye on a current issue.
If only they showed the selfishness that comes out when two are planning to become one after being completely on their own for the past 20 years.
If only they showed snippets of disagreements over the color scheme of the wedding or the length of time of the reception to follow.
If only they showed the tears or the frustrations that come.
If you would have told little Sierra that those things are a reality, she would have never believed you. Because the world told her that being in love is enough.
Love. Is. Not. Enough.
Go ahead, hate me for saying that. But it’s true.
If every time Seth and I didn’t agree on something, we just said, “Well, it’s fine because we are in love!” nothing would ever be resolved.
There’s a couple I admire that once told me, “I love my wife. I will choose her every time. But I haven’t been in love with her for years.” Punch to the gut.
Hearing that struck me like lightning with the fear of marriage. “Why would I get married if I’m just going to fall out of love in a few years?”
Because your vows never said “I vow to be in love with you forever.”
No. They say “I take you, to be my lawfully wedded husband/wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.”
That means that there will be times when I don’t feel like loving you. I actually might sit and be like, “Did I seriously marry this person?” and Seth will say the exact same thing!
But I will be able to look at him and in the tough times, I won’t say, “I’m in love with you.” I will say, “I choose you. I will continue to choose you and I will choose you through good, bad, sickness, health, poor or rich, because that is my vow to you.”
You never promise to be in love with someone. You vow to choose them. Over and over again.
Loving someone isn’t enough. Saying you love someone isn’t enough. You have to fight for them. You have to choose them. As my aunt Linda says, “The good, bad and the ugly!”
As I look down at my engagement ring, I think about the life that I’m preparing to start with Seth. I look and I see a marriage that is built on a foundation of commitment, not being in love. I see my ring as a representation of the promise of forever I will make in a little over a year. I see a lifetime of choices where my only option is my spouse.
When I think of that, I’m not struck with fear, but instead, I’m completely awestruck as I stand on the shore of forever. Looking forward to a full and fruitful marriage that began to flourish at a time my surprised, excited self said through teary eyes, “Yes!” to a man on one knee.
