We’ve all heard of them, the dreaded deal-breakers; things in relationships we refuse to put up with. For some, it’s common ones: cheating, smoking if you’re a non-smoker, drug use, etc. But there are much more complicated ones. For example, I’ve been told that being a ballroom dancer was a deal-breaker because it was inappropriate for me to dance with another man. I’ve also been told that owning anything other than an American car was a deal-breaker. In my opinion, these are ridiculous, but deal-breakers come in all shapes and sizes, each with their own reasoning behind them.
The other day I shared one of my deal-breakers with someone (drug use), and I received an interesting response.
“I don’t believe in deal-breakers,” they said bluntly.
When I asked why not, they said that if you really love someone, there shouldn’t be any deal-breaker.
“How could you look at someone you love and have a be-all-end-all situation? Just because they did something you didn’t like, it’s over?”
At first, my inner voice scoffed at me, making me feel like an immediate anti-love cynical a**hole. However, it reminded me of myself going through my first relationships, where I was wide-eyed and naive, believing that love really does conquer all and is totally unconditional.
Before I move on, let me be clear. Love exists and it conquers a lot of evil in this world. Yet, saying that it is unconditional, without limitations, conditions, or “deal-breakers” if you will, is saying that you will put up with anything someone throws at you: the good, the bad, the ugly. And let me tell you, there is a fine line between support and abuse.
I loved an alcoholic for a very long time. He was my best friend, someone I planned on being in my life forever. I decided my love for him was unconditional, and for a long time, it was. I supported him through every relapse, through every drunk drive home, every withdrawal, every lie, every promise to change, every abusive fight, every manipulation.
Now, I certainly am not a martyr here. I was at times just as awful, if not more so. I’m not an addict but I was not perfect and I handled many things poorly. At the end of the day, though, I cared for him, I loved him, and I refused to give up. My love was without conditions or limitations. Over the course of his two-year long battle with alcohol, and coincidentally me, I lost a lot. I lost a lot of my friends, I almost lost my family and loved ones and I certainly lost myself. I was miserable.
When we walked away from each other, I realized that love is conditional. There should be deal-breakers. There should be limitations. Is alcoholism a deal-breaker for me now? Not necessarily. There are many alcoholics who follow their program and live healthy, peaceful lives. Are continuous relapses deal-breakers? Yes. Are drugs deal-breakers for me? Yes. Does my love just go away if these things happen during the course of my relationship with someone? No. But I’ve learned that there are things that I don’t want to be a part of my life, and these are two of them.
By telling myself that my love was unconditional, I let someone hurt me a lot. I allowed unacceptable behavior into my life that damaged me in many ways. I allowed someone to walk all over me. I tried so hard to be a hero of love that I ultimately became the victim.
My example is obviously on the extreme end, I admit. Deal-breakers or conditions or whatever you want to call them are necessary. They show that you have a backbone. They show that you love yourself enough to walk away from something toxic for you, or something you simply don’t want to be a part of your life.
Romantic love shouldn’t be unconditional. What love can be though is understanding, willing to compromise, willing to come to conclusions together. If you love someone who starts drinking vodka at work, you’re allowed to get them to AA and hold their hand in the meeting. You’re also allowed to leave. If you love someone who cheats on you, you can try to work it out, or you can leave. If you love someone who will only ever own American cars, you can drive American cars for the rest of your life, or you can—you guessed it—leave.
The ideal situation is finding a way to compromise and use the love your have as fuel to solve problems with your partner. If that’s simply not an option, if you’ve exhausted your options, or if your deal-breaker is simply non-negotiable, exercise your right to walk away. Loving someone isn’t a contract you’re obligated to stay a part of. You’ll figure out what you want and don’t want, what can be worked out and what can’t, and once you do you’ll see that your relationships are beautiful, healthy, full of love and mutual respect for not only each other, but yourself, too.
