Another subject that I don't like to talk about is weight. However, I feel that the more I talk about touchy subjects, the more likely I am to overcome my fear with them.
From a very young age and being raised in a Filipino household, I learned how to hate my body. Unlike my siblings, I was a chubby child. I ate a lot and my parents especially my mom never really stopped me. I noticed when I was growing up, a lot of family members always had to comment on my weight. They would tell my mom that it was really unhealthy and that I should be put on a diet. As a child, do you know how much that hurt? Being called fat and made fun of constantly at family gatherings? It scars you for a lifetime.
Growing up was definitely rough for me. I had body image issues. A young girl shouldn't be worrying about her weight; she should be playing with barbie dolls or riding her bike. I really didn't understand why my relatives were making fun of my weight or calling me fat. I also didn't understand why my parents let that them talk to me that way. They would just tell me to let it slide. However, I just had this growing hate for these relatives and my own body. I didn't want to go to family gatherings anymore. I didn't want to be told that no one would love me because I was fat. I didn't want to hear those comments anymore.
In high school, the constant reminders of being told I'm fat brought me to a point where I would not eat. I had this mindset where if I didn't eat, I would lose weight and the hurtful comments toward my body would finally stop. I mean I lost weight—even if it was unhealthy—but the fat shaming didn't stop. My mental breakdown during my junior year of high school really put things into perspective for me. I really needed to give myself the TLC that I needed. I shouldn't have cared what others thought about me because in the end, what I think matters is what I think of myself. I went through this period of self love and body positivity. I cut off the toxic people in my life even if that meant they were blood. I began to realize that I am beautiful human being and that my body is beautiful.
College came around, the body positivity and self love went out the window. I started to go on dating apps and holy shit, guys ruin your self esteem. Guys are terrible; they feel like they should tell you if you're ugly. They'll tell it to your face because they're behind a screen. Also, I felt that because of my weight, I attracted chubby chasers. I felt like guys that I talked to on these dating apps only liked me because I was "chubby". So I hated the dating scene. It wasn't until my most recent relationship, my boyfriend at the time, loved me for me. He showed me to love parts of myself that I didn't love. The body positivity and self love began to come back.
I've been pretty busy this summer and a lot has happened where I gained weight. My family definitely noticed and had a lot of comments about it. Of course, I don't want to hear it. I knew it and didn't need to be reminded. I know I have to change and lose weight. I have such a love-hate relationship with my weight. I know there will always be someone that has something to say about my weight.
Looking back at it, I wish my relatives didn't fat shame at such a young age. I wish I didn't have body image issues. I wish I could look in the mirror and be happy with my body. However, I can't. I look at my body with disgust and hate and can never truly be happy with results. Honestly, if I had the chance, I'd physically fight each and every relative that has made fun of me or called me fat. They have instilled this hate that shouldn't have happened. I wish I had the guts when I was younger to stand up for myself even when my parents didn't. It's a constant battle of loving my body one minute then hating it the next.