Oh, how I longed to be normal like everyone else.
When I compare myself to others, I fall into thinking that I deserve to be anxious. I deserve to have a foggy head and heart, and I’m not good enough to be “normal.”
This time last year, I woke up every single morning sick to my stomach and I couldn’t eat. I would call my best friend on FaceTime until it went away. My relationships with my family were lacking because I was not functioning mentally, and I was hurting because I was having a hard time connecting with my boyfriend on a deeper level. There was literally no reason: anxiety is not selective. The invisible dark cloud above me changed the way I viewed myself. I could not see myself the way that God created me to be. I ended up feeling like I was unworthy to find happiness, even though it was just within my reach.
I used to get so frustrated. Why did I have to worry all day? I know everything is fine. I would have given anything to feel normal again like I used to.
If your story sounds like mine, I bet you wondered why the anxiety had to choose you.
Some of us were created with a more active mind than others. But, do you know what that means? It means you care. Your heart may be wounded, but it still works. You will always have the capacity to love within you. Sometimes, we can care so much about how the way life is going to the point where it can make us sick. We want everyone to be comfortable. We want our lives to go exactly as planned because we’re afraid of the unknown.
Despite this fear, I know three facts to be absolutely true:
1. You were born to love, be joyful, and most importantly, to breathe the breath of life.
2. Your self-worth is not determined by your anxiety.
3. Your identity is not determined by how worried you were about starting your day.
I promise, it gets better. It will get better. Make that your mantra.
I told my mom earlier this week that my anxiety used to be at a 10, but now it swings between a six or an eight on any given day. But, I know that I am worth more than this and you are too.
The greatest fact of life is that it will always be unknown, and the anxiety comes from trying to control it. I once found a quote by Ben Saunders that said: “Inspiration and growth only come … from stepping away from what’s comfortable and familiar and stepping out into the unknown.” Anxiety is not always the enemy; without it, we would not grow into who we are meant to be. It causes us to step back, look at life, and realize we will not always have it under control. That’s perfectly okay. Allow yourself some breathing room, and remember to love yourself despite your imperfections.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Take the day one second, one minute, one hour, one day, one moment at a time. That is all that is asked of you.
I could only overcome my crippling anxiety by giving myself time to love.
“Next time you’re unhappy, here’s what you do: you love. When you’re feeling miserable, write a note to someone who is lonely; make cookies for your kids; visit the nursing home; donate some money to a charity; sign up to help with an after school program; say a prayer for someone who’s in trouble.” -- Bishop Robert Barron
