First, I would like to say I think pure love is the most beautiful thing on this planet. To feel and be able to share with family, friends, or even just with your pet or favorite pair of shoes. Love can also be the scariest thing on the planet and with my many experiences with love- came with many tests, trials and tribulations. Wheeeeew, if I were to go into every story and detail of how many times I have been taken advantage of and lied to, YOU'd probably think I was lying. Lol. But that has never stopped me from showing love and wanting others to know how genuine and pure love feels. Even if it is just with my clients, I always want to know how they are feeling and doing. No ulterior motive or hidden agenda.
However, for me as many times that I have been hurt. I never cared to continue to wear my heart on my sleeve. It has always just been my nature to want others to feel safe, loved and comfortable. I am the type of person who will share everything or will never speak unless spoken to. Although, it does get tiring of holding everyone else's weight. Because that is what I do, I take it on myself and break my own damn heart. Every single time.
Like previously stated, I am not going to go into every detail about each relationship and how they each failed miserably. But I can say that I was a fighter in each one. I never gave up on that person until I tried every avenue before completely giving UP. I have had about 5 heartbreaks, first one being my dad. A lot of trauma behind that one but I won't get into daddy girl trauma today.
In my love relationships, I always have found myself overextending myself from the jump. I was in a relationship in high school for 4 years and I mean I don't really count that relationship because at the time I had no idea who I was. But as I got older I was able to find a bit more of myself. Then it lead me to a man who had close connections to my eldest brother. Shocker right? Born on the exact same day as him (TAURUS BOOO), loved sports(especially basketball) which is my favorite sport, gambling, goofy and just down for whatever! And he would always send me money for my nails randomly or lashes which was my fav lil surprises. And he just had that demeanor about him that caught my eye. But I knew he would never go for me because I was considered "lil sis", ya know. The one always at the games in the stands but never really paying attention to the scoreboard.
Anyways, he was my biggest heartbreak. I fell madly in love with him and I thought the feeling was mutual until I found out he had been cheating on me with another female that was my so called "friend"at the time. Then I found out I was pregnant. I hadn't been with anyone else because that not how I roll so I knew it was his. But anyways- that was the darkest moment of my life. I cut off everyone in my life and did not share my struggle. I did not speak to my friends or family, I quit my job, I dropped out of college and for almost a year I did not come out of my room (depression). People thought I was crazy which at that time, it was all a blur because of all the pain I was in. So I probably was crazy.
Anyways, this man had promised me all these marvelous things when we were together and he asked me to help him go look at apartments. Little did I know he wasn't planning on signing the paperwork, I was. At this time I had an idea I was pregnant and had minor evidence that he was cheating but I was like who cares. My baby will live here. It will be worth it. Well, that was foolish of me because I signed the paperwork and he blocked me on everything and said I was a psycho b*tch and moved in with my friend in the apartment UNDER MY NAME. I didn't want to play the "I am pregnant card" so I went back to school, got 2 jobs and busted my little tail doing anything to provide for MY baby. Yes, mine because my ex clearly did not care about my well being. Anyways, I ended up miscarrying because of how stressed out I was. It took me 2 years in therapy to be able to say that out loud. Still til this day he probably still doesn't know that's what happened. Still til this day I carry that pain with me.
During that time- everyday I would just pray and hope that God would pull me out of that lonely tunnel of guilt. He eventually did and I was able to push myself to be better and stronger. Then that's when I found my purpose, to heal and be there for kids parents' who cannot, whether it was because they were too busy working or whatever the case may be. Especially the kiddos who are little more eccentric or special. I love my kiddos as if they were my own and I know they can feel that I genuinely care about them. And that's what kids need. Special needs or not, it is important to build that rapport with them. So they can trust you and feel safe with you. Like everything else, it does not happen overnight, it takes time. To build an honest and open environment is not just what kids need but adults too.
It takes awhile to build that trust and bond. Word is bond and you must stand ten toes on them. It just gets hard to stand on your words when you talk so much and think so much and observe so much- you forget everything that you say. So moral of the story here is to always continue to show genuine love to those who are show the same for you in return. Or actually even if they don't, they best way is to kill em with kindness. Underestimation can always benefit you in the long run. Age or degrees doesn't determine your power of heart or mind. Love always wins. No matter how many heartbreaks you have or will go through.
- To The Man Who Will Love Me After My Heartbreak ›
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- Heartbreak Comes In Many Forms ›