I'm 33, never married, and no kids. It's not like I don't want those things, it just hasn't happened yet. For years, I have contemplated what love really is. However, my foolish notions got me nowhere and I ended up broken-hearted, trying to figure out where I possibly went wrong... I didn't find out the answer until much later.

I always envisioned growing up that I would eventually know what love was. My parents and grandparents have been prime examples of what it truly means to love someone. Having not been that successful in my own relationships, I always thought it was bullshit when people would say they 'just knew' when they found the right person. I've had relationships where I definitely loved someone, but the 'knowing' feeling never came to me. I thought I was different and that I would eventually find the right person, whether or not those feelings hit me.

At 17, I fell in love with my best friend. Though we ran in completely different circles, he and his friends accepted me. Sure, I had my close friends, but I tried to befriend everyone. We talked on the phone a lot, and he lived up the street from me. On my way home, I would sometimes stop at his house and we would talk forever. I've always been introverted and have, more often than not, kept a lot of things to myself over the years, especially as a teen. One week before prom our Junior year, I decided to put on a brave face and tell him how I felt. Going into it, I knew he was into tiny blondes with George Hamilton tans, not chubby brunettes, so it was partially my fault. I fell flat on my face doing so, and our relationship was never the same. He turned into a complete jerk and made fun of me. By the time Senior year came around, I was done with caring about it and finally told him he was being a jerk. He stopped making fun of me. He wanted to reconnect but I didn't want to go through it again, so we said hi from time to time and remained civil throughout the years. Long after we've graduated, we've seen each other from time to time and exchanged pleasantries. The last time I spoke with him was December 1st, 2021, having no idea that would be the last time I would ever see him again. He passed away on December 31st after being in a tragic accident. He was only 33. I forgave him long ago, but a part of him will always be with me.

At 22, I fell for a man 9 years my senior. He was kind and treated me well. I've always been an ambitious person, and while he worked hard at his job, he never wanted to improve or do any better for himself. After a while, it got old and I decided to break it off. I was devastated even though I was the one to end it. Years later, we remain friends. He's now married, but I am truly thankful it didn't work out.

I dated on and off for a few years after, but didn't have any serious relationships during that time. I hadn't decided yet what I wanted to do with my life and while I wasn't in school, I put my head down and got to work. I went back to school at 27 to get my paralegal degree and though I was a nontraditional student, I think I am happier since I really got to figure out what I wanted to do. Of course, I have also thought about law school, but it's not for everyone. Working in a few different law firms, I have found out firsthand how difficult lawyers truly have it. Countless hours spent coddling opposing counsel, clingy clients, and battling tons of stress made me realize it's not something I want anymore. I absolutely love being a paralegal. While I was in school, I met another great guy I thought could possibly be the one. It wasn't love at first sight or anything, but we became very close and were together for 2 years. He accepted another job out of state and moved away. This was truly a hard time in my life. My Dad was very sick and his health was deteriorating, so on top of that, that particular breakup was really the cherry on top. What I didn't know at that time was the biggest blessing of my life was yet to come...

Remember the bullshit term 'you just know' that I was talking about earlier? Yeah, that finally happened to me. I met you in January 2019 and I will never forget the day we met. You came into the room and introduced yourself, looked at me, and smiled. I knew right then I was a goner. But I didn't get the same feelings I had always gotten before. Yes, you're devastatingly handsome, though you will never believe it. I normally get flustered, forget what I'm going to say, and just completely lose my cool around any man I find attractive. But this time it was different. I looked into your eyes and I was completely calm for the first time ever. That's how I knew. It is a strange feeling, but your mind, soul, and body all just know this is the person for you. Everyone else you’ve ever known will fade into the background and you will never see love the same way ever again. We clicked instantly and felt like I've possibly known you in another lifetime.

It's still hard to wrap my head around. No one has ever made me feel like you do. The way you look at me, especially when you think I'm not looking. How happy you are when we're together--- when you smile, you don't just smile. Your whole entire face lights up. Your eyes crinkle and you're so happy that your mouth looks like you slept with a hanger in your mouth. When I walk into a room and your eyes find mine. How you look when you're about to kiss me. Sometimes I wonder if you know me better than I know myself. We can talk about nothing for hours or just do nothing and I am the happiest person alive because I am next to you. How we always find each other in a crowded place. I know some people may not believe all of this, and that's okay. Love is not always going to be perfect. Far from it. We've of course had our ups and downs, but it's not like any of my past relationships. We love being together but we also give each other space. You know you and this person will stick it out, because you cannot imagine living without them, no matter what hard times come your way. You love them more than all of your hard times, and those times are when you really know whether your love is true. You changed the way I see love.

You're my once in a lifetime love, my best friend, the love of my life.