Throughout the years I’ve found great difficulty in allowing myself to let go. I hold on to words, memories and feelings as if they’ll come back, or always have the same meaning. I frequently hold on to relationships because accepting the end is the hardest part. It’s nearly impossible to allow that thought in the back of my head, telling me it’s no longer worth the pain, to come forward. Whether my friends and I no longer got along, or a relationship seemed to be more work than fun, eventually I realized I just have to move on. I’m sure you all have been, or may currently be in the same situation. If you fear where a friendship may be headed, here are eight signs that it may be running its course:
1. Dishonesty
Honesty and trust are arguably the most important aspects of any friendship. With true friends, you should be an open book. There shouldn’t be any reason to tell a lie, or any reason to share a friend’s secret. If you find a friend lying to you for any reason, that’s a red flag. A lie is not only unfaithful, but it also exemplifies their lack of trust in you. As soon as frequent dishonesty takes place in a relationship, trust falters from each side.
2. Judgment
Close friends are supposed to be the people who love you for who you are. They’re the people who accept your lifestyle, and support your personal choices. If they judge you for what you do and love, that means they do not truly support you. As always, there are exceptions to this statement. For example, being questioned for something against the law has probable cause. However, a judgmental personality is one nobody wants to be around. Friends should not judge you for the clothes you wear, the color of your hair, the people you like, or the hobbies you love. In a friendship you always want to feel as though you are truly liked and supported, not criticized.
3. Conflict
Although difficult to avoid, conflict should remain at a minimum in a healthy relationship. Naturally, friends will bicker about miniscule topics, such as what to eat for dinner. However, too much conflict is never a good sign. The difference between bickering and conflict is that in a conflict, people are physically or mentally hurt. Conflict should not be tolerated in any relationship. Mentally painful conflict may be more difficult to see. If you are emotionally hurt by an argument, and find yourself ignoring your friends in order to avoid further conflict, than that friendship has lost its way.
4. Competition
Who had the worst day? Who had the best day? Maybe you worked a longer shift, or maybe you had a better date, but competition within a friendship is means for an argument and/or talking behind each other’s backs. If your friend tells you a story, whether good or bad, listen rather than “one-upping” it with your own. All of your lives are different in one way or another. If you and your friends are constantly comparing and competing, you’re setting yourselves up for disappointment and resentment toward one another.
5. Missing Out
One of the worst feelings is being left out. I’m not talking about the kind of missing out when you’re away on vacation and miss what your friends call the “best party of the summer”. I’m talking about being deliberately left out. If your friends make plans without you, odds are they didn’t want you there. Friends need space every once in a while, but if you find out about those plans from another source, that’s when it’s the most alarming. Friends are allowed to have time alone, but it’s wrong to choose to leave someone out. Friends should enjoy each other’s company no matter the circumstance.
6. Excuses
If you aren’t being left out of plans, maybe your friends are excusing themselves out of them instead. You know it’s the end of a friendship when it’s impossible to make plans because everyone has a different excuse not to. A telltale sign of an excuse, rather than the truth, is “I’m busy” without mention of definitive plans. As college students it’s entirely possible to be “busy”, but probably not every day. Also, if you start to put plans with other people above these friends, maybe you don’t want to spend time with them after all. It’s obvious that the relationship is faltering if both ends are consistently making excuses.
7. Effort
As I stated earlier, sometimes it’s entirely possible to be too busy for plans. Many of times, you may have to explain your schedule to friends in order for them to understand. Sometimes, you may be better off admitting you want to spend the day alone with a few snacks, a comfortable bed, and Netflix. College is very demanding, and being that everyone has different majors and jobs, it could be difficult to make time for socialization. However, if you take the time to catch up when you are free, that’s showing effort on your part. If you try to make plans for a day everyone may be available, that’s effort. If you try to cheer a friend up while no one else is, you’re showing effort. When you go out of your way to do something for a friend, that’s effort. There are a lot of small ways you could show some effort, even when you have a busy schedule. Remember, there’s a difference between busy and uninterested. If your friends no longer put in the same effort you do, that’s another sign of a weak relationship.
8. Change
Lastly, and probably the most obvious, friendships end because people change. First of all, change is okay! I couldn’t even tell you how much I’ve changed in the last six months alone. But sometimes your friends won’t change the same way you do. Some may mature in other ways than you. Others’ interests may change, and no longer reflect your own. With each passing year, personalities even continue to change, leaving you with less compatible qualities. This makes it difficult to continue to enjoy the same things together, or even to communicate. Old friendships typically stay in this zone of comfort, which becomes more and more stale as each individual member begins to change. When the limits of that zone are pushed, you find yourself enjoying yourself and your time again. If your current friends cannot pass that zone, maybe all it takes is a new relationship to guide you past it, leaving your old friendships behind.
If by now you’ve come to realize that these unhealthy situations are taking place in your relationship, maybe it’s time to rethink it. Remember that letting go doesn’t mean that your friends are bad people, or that you’re a bad person for no longer wanting to be a part of that relationship. Ending a friendship really just means that you no longer fit together. It means that you grew apart, made new friends, and changed individually. The negative behaviors within a friendship begin when the friendship is no longer there. Instead of forcing the friendship to stay, admit you’ve lost your way, and accept that it may be time to let go.
