See that girl in the tractor tire? That was me three years ago. You wouldn't recognize me if you met me in person today, and there's an important reason why.
As a kid, I grew up Mormon. I dreamed of living the perfect life. Ever since I was 13, I thought I was going to serve a full-time LDS mission. When they lowered the serving ages, that goal was closer than before. It was all going according to plan. I'd go to school for a year, serve a mission, come home, get married, and tag team whatever came next with my significant other. But it didn't happen like that.
Due to a few medical conditions I've had since I was little, going on a mission wasn't possible. When the news came that the call would never arrive, I was devastated. I was lost. I had followed all the steps, but fell short of the dream. Truth be told, I did have doubts about going on a mission, but I refused to believe them. I was going and that was final.
Dealing with the disappointment and grief of not going was the hardest trial I had endured up until that point. I felt like part of me died. Perhaps it did, but what survived was bitter. It was angry. I was at a loss of what to do. I blamed my Heavenly Father. I had done what I thought He had asked of me. I jumped through the hoops only to left alone in the dark. Why would you do this to me? I was worthy to go. I thought I was prepared. The stress ate me alive until it came to the point where I could hardly move or bother to leave my room. That's where Heavenly Father patiently intervened and helped me to get back on my feet, but not all at once.
I went back to school and became involved in a few of the clubs on campus. I started working at my school's writing center and later became a tutor there, which has since become the greatest part of my day. But there were other events that I wasn't prepared for. I started to see who my true friends were, and who merely stuck around to cash in on the good times. I thought I had found someone, only to be reminded that all is not as it seems. I slowly lost the person I was, but grew into the person I have become. By losing that dream, I gained a life. My life.
Losing a dream such as a mission after growing up with strong religious backgrounds hurt, but I now know that going on one would have wrecked me from the inside out. It has been worth every once of pain, heartache, and sorrow I have endured thus far. In not going, I have forged friendships and experienced things that would not have been possible anywhere else.
Everything in this life happens for a reason. Discovering that for myself has changed the way I perceive things. It has made it possible for me to look myself in the eye (or in the mirror) and not be ashamed for who I am and what I have done. It has helped me find the inner peace I have craved since I was a child. With whatever comes next, I know I can face it with faith, for I know who I am and who I can turn to to guide me there.
