Being a big sister is one of the biggest blessings in my life. Sure it's not always glamorous and they can be a pain and get on my nerve but I wouldn't trade them for anything in this world.
I have 5 siblings in total: one brother, two stepsisters, one half sister, and one angel brother. When people ask me how many siblings I have, the answer is never one. Just because my stepsisters don't have the same blood as I do, doesn't make them any less of my family or my world. Just because my angel is exactly that does not mean he does not count. B was born with a heart defect known as Hypoplastic left heart syndrome. The left side of his heart was underdeveloped and couldn't pump blood to the rest of his body. It took me a long time to understand what HLHS was and to accept that it's a real thing. Before B I didn't think I could handle another little sibling but now I realize how wrong I was. To say he was beautiful was an understatement. I now realize why God picked him. Isn't there a saying about how when we are in a garden we only pick the beautiful flowers? Even with all the machines and the tubes in him, he was beautiful and perfect. His case was one of the most rare and there wasn't anything they could do. On the day they unhooked him from the machine I was able to hold him for the first time. He stole my heart and when he died, he took a part of it to heaven with him.
I hate when people tell me it's for the best and time heals all but the thing I hate the most is when people tell me how it's better that he passed at 9 days old and not 9 years old. I lost my Brother. I lost a relationship with a sibling. I will never get to see him walk or fix his boo-boos. I will never get to be annoyed with him for pulling my hair. I won't get to talk to him about his girl problems or teach him how to properly treat a woman. I won't get to see him fall in love and attend his wedding. I lost the chance to make memories with him.
What I did gain is an angel. Someone I can talk to even when I shut out the world. When life gets crazy, going and visiting him keeps me together. Not a day goes by that B isn't on my mind. The picture of me holding him has been my screensaver since the picture was taken. On my back, is a tattoo for him. The letter B with a pair of wings and a crown. Above it all, it reads, "My Prince Wears Wings." It took me over a year to come near a baby, especially a boy. The pain was overbearing. Slowly I can see a baby and not want to break down or run the other way. I know with time this will all change but for now, the pain is still fresh and new. He always seems to know when I need him the most by little signs he gives off. That might be silly but I believe It.
May 7th, 2014 the world was granted the most beautiful soul.
May 16th, 2014 heaven gained that beautiful soul.
