Sometimes I like to go underneath my bed covers and let the world think that I am asleep. The thing is my eyes are not closed and my head is not filled with dreams. Instead they remain wide open blinking back tears that threaten to spill over until they form into a salty river. Traveling down and down until they reach the soft fabric of an old worn t-shirt. My lungs breathe in air, yet it feels like I'm being suffocated by the thing that is meant to keep me alive.
This is the reality of loss.
It is not a pretty girl crying into a tissue while her love interest holds her tightly. It is not a soft ballad that is sung by the church choir as the pastor says a long and loving prayer for the deceased. In the movies it is a short scene shot beautifully, as the audience claps in applause at the actor's ability to capture the raw emotions of the situation. Remember everything is better when it is based in a fictionalized world. People like to think about different things they would do if they were the characters in the movie. How they would respond and what they would change. Then when the situation happens in real life and they have to let the truth of what is happening sink in, well being a character in a movie seems a whole lot easier.
Unlike the movies, when a loved one is lost everything seems to slow down. It’s like the world starts to tilt a little at a time until finally everything you knew is turned upside down. At first you shake your head in denial because it couldn’t be real, right? This could not happen, not today because today was going really good. This was going to be a good day. Then you feel it, once dry cheeks are now wet with falling tears. Your chest feels like it is burning, like when you were little and you cousin held you down a little too long under water. This burning feeling starts to crawl from your chest until it starts to consume your entire body. Then the sobs come out surprising you, because you haven’t cried in a long time.
Today was supposed to be a good day, but sometimes good days fade.
I can’t say that I haven’t blamed God. I won’t say that I haven’t found myself looking up towards the sky and wondering how someone who is said to be all loving would take away one of his creations. I won’t say that the soft words of people saying how sorry they were didn’t make me feel at least a little bitter. They could go home and sit with their loved ones, but I had to stand and watch as your body was taken and put six-feet under. In that moment, I had to accept the fact that I the only thing I had left of you was the memories we shared.
I was left to wonder how the hell all of this was possible. Then as time passed and seasons changed I came to realize that I am not meant to know why certain things happen. All of us only have a certain amount of time here on earth and when I look up towards the sky I know it is true. I know that you are looking down and guiding all us in your own loving way, making sure that we know you're still here. It still hurts like hell, but I will live and love as much as I can, just like you would want me to.
