Dear Grandma,

It has been nearly 3 years now since you went home to be with your Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Today in the ER I had an older patient who passed, and I thought of you.

I thought of a day that will never be erased from my memory. Living without you is harder than any of us could have imagined, and I miss you every day. We did everything together. We were together all of the time. I can't name a time in my life when I went longer than a week or so without seeing you, and even then we would talk on the phone often. I know I pissed you off sometimes. You pissed me off, too. I think that's because we are very similar. Two very stubborn, intelligent, hard-working ladies with strong values and a defined set of morals. Our way of seeing the world wasn't so different after all.

You always told me to finish school, get an education, and stop worrying about boys. Well, I'm trying to do just that. I wish you were around so that I could hear you say how proud you are of me. You always encouraged my love of reading, and music. You never stopped talking about how smart you thought I was to your friends, or how great of a voice you thought I had. You would always take me to see the Harry Potter movies, and bought all of the extra things that came along with the franchise. I will never forget the last choir concert of mine you attended. You had just gotten your hearing aids, and could finally hear me sing. You were so excited and so proud. I wish you could have been there when I was named Outstanding Senior Vocalist. I wish you could have heard when I was in Missouri State's women's chorus.

I sing for you.

I want to excel, to do all of the things I told you I would do and to not do any of the things I told you I wouldn't. Funny how things change, though. As far as you knew, I was going to Rolla for computer engineering. Things couldn't be more different now, but I still want to be successful and independent in your name.

I think of all of the times we spent together doing menial tasks, like going shopping or watching TV. We would talk and gossip about anything, and sometimes you were a little rude, but I know you didn't mean anything of it. I walk into that abandoned house now and am immediately flooded with memories and scenes in my mind of our earthly time together. I think about how I converted you, a Southern Baptist, to Catholicism and how excited I was to see you go through with it. I was persistent, to say the least. But the joy I felt in my heart when you were baptized is unparalleled.

I wanted to do everything on this Earth with you. I so wanted you to see me graduate high school, to visit me at college, to attend my white coat ceremony. But, you can't. And, It's selfish, but all I can ask is -- why? Why did you have to leave? With no warning, no time to prepare, no time to say goodbye. Sometimes I hate you for not waiting for me to get to the hospital that day so I could say goodbye. But, I know you had other plans and I cherish the time I can spend with you now in my mind or when you visit my dreams. Waking up from those dreams are always a very painful thing.

Some people may not understand the deep relationship we share, but that is simply because they do not know the expanse of our love for each other can cross between any barrier, any hardship, any arbitrary thing that so foolishly believes I will ever not think of you every day of my life.

What hurts the most, I think, is you will not meet the man I marry. I will light a candle for you. He has to "meet" you, and I can't wait to tell him all about you. I know he would have loved you, and you would have loved him.

While times are changing, and my family is not the same as it used to be, I think of you. I think of what was, and what could have been. I think of "what if's" and "how come's." I think I have gone through every possible alternate ending to what ended up being my greatest fear come true.

Thank you for listening the countless times I have begged for understanding and relief from this pain. Thank you for the peace you have brought to me before every concert, performance, test, event. I don't think I could have done any of it without you.

Although it pains me to write this, you deserve the recognition of all that you have done for me in the 16 short years that we were together. I know you probably think it's so dumb that I got a tattoo in memory of you; you always hated them. But, I don't think I could go about my life in this world without a little piece of you guarding every step I take. Each time my left foot leads, I know you follow.

I know I will always be your Gaby girl.

Love you!