Not everyone understands an event such as this. Anyone who has lost a loved one to suicide knows that it is not easy and there are many unanswered questions. You do not understand how someone could choose to leave the world that they entered so easily. You question if there was any way that you could have stopped them.
For me, this event was real life. When I was just 14 years old, I lost my grandfather to suicide. There was a lot I did not understand at the time. There were a lot of unanswered questions for me. Those questions for me included the most obvious question: why? Another question I had was, "If he had just gotten help, would it have made a difference?" At first, it was hard. Not understanding was the hardest part for me personally. My grandfather willingly took his own life.
No one will ever have the answers to the questions you or your family may have. Chances are, no one knew it was coming. There was nothing you or anyone else could have done differently to have changed the outcome. Do not beat yourself up over a life-changing event such as this. I know for my family, we had no idea that this was going to happen. It just did.
There are going to be times when you don't know what to think. There are going to be times when you get really angry or upset. You will feel anger because you do not understand how to process an event like this and you do no have the answers that you think you deserve. I know for me personally this past year has been extremely hard. I recently graduated from high school and started a new chapter in my life. Graduation was the hardest thing for me to deal with. If my grandfather had not killed himself, he would have watched me walk across the stage and start the new chapter of my life at college. I was extremely angry because I was his only grandchild that he did not get to see graduate from high school. At times you will get upset; there are some trigger words or smells that will make you upset at first, but as time goes on, it will get easier. The first holidays without your loved one will be among the hardest. All of these feelings are completely normal.
It is important to remember the years and memories you had with your loved one. Being able to come together as a family in a time like this and share stories is a very important part of grieving. One of my own memories is when my entire family gathered at my grandparents' house during Hurricane Isabel in 2003. When the power went out, my cousins and I came up with an entertainment show to pass time. We had all the adults be the audience for the show. I just remember the smile that was on my grandparents' faces. We all worked together to make everyone happy and enjoy the time we had together.
I am so thankful for the years and memories I had with my grandfather. While I may never have the answers I want, I understand why he did what he did. My grandfather willingly took his own life to stay with the woman he loved for almost his entire adult life. My grandmother was dying, and he could not see his life without her. We all understand why he did what he did, and he was happy with his decision to do this. This life-changing event made me grow as a person and has made me stronger. He may be gone from my life, but he will always be looking over me, and I want to do my best and live my life to make him proud of the person I have grown up to be.
Suicide prevention has become a huge part of my life. If you or someone you know is thinking about hurting themselves, then please reach out to someone you trust and get help. Do not leave your family with questions that will never be answered. Nothing in life is worth willingly ending your life.
