I never could've imagined losing one of the biggest parts of my life. Never did it cross my mind, one day I would lose one of the most important people to me. Of course, one day when I was older I knew it was inevitable but not like this, not this soon. There are so many things left unsaid, so many memories I wish I could've shared with you.
There is no way to prepare yourself especially at a young age for something as traumatic as this. I remember the day I found out so clearly. I was coming home from school and I could tell something wasn't quite right. I was a curious child, I had to know what was going on at all times. I kept trying to get information, but no one would tell me anything until my mom came home. When my mom finally got home she didn't look okay. My stomach dropped, I knew something really bad had happened. A million thoughts of what it could be were rushing around in my head. My anxiety was going crazy, I didn't know what to do. Once she told me it was my dad, he had passed away, I felt like a part of me died. I didn't even know what to do, how to react. At eleven this is not something you expect to hear your mother tell you.
For a while I couldn't bring myself acknowledge the fact he was gone. I was in such shock I refused to accept it, I just couldn't. He can't be gone, I just talked to him the other day he was fine. How are you supposed to live without one of the most important people? Up until the funeral I just pretending it didn't happen. I pushed it down so far and just tried to act as normal as I possibly could. People would come around, tell me how sorry they were. After about the tenth person, I became numb to the words "So sorry for your loss." After the funeral is when I finally realized, this really is it. He's gone. I felt as though when he passed he took a part of me with him. I knew I had to stay strong for my younger brother who didn't know what was going on.
Daddy, I love you more than you truly will ever know. Thank you for all that you've done for me. I truly am eternally grateful for the opportunity to have you in my life even if it was shorter than we would've liked. I lost my dad at eleven, now twenty I still feel as though a piece of me is broken. I wish you could've been here to experience my accomplishments that you've missed. There is so much you've missed out on, I would give anything just to hug you one last time. Tell you how much I love you and how much you truly meant to me. You meant so much more to me than I could ever tell you. I'm so grateful I was able to be a part of your life even if it wasn't what we imagine.
Losing a parent is never easy, especially at such a young age. There is so much you wish they could've been here for. You get so scared, the day you forget what their voice sounds like, when you forget the feeling of their hugs. It's scary, I thought we had so much more time. It hurts that you're not here, going through this crazy life with me. I hope you're watching over me, I hope you're proud of me. That's all I could ever ask for, is just to know I'm making you proud. I love you more than you'll ever know. It's not a goodbye, it's a see you later.
