"It's not you, it's me."

The number of times we have all heard that before. You feel like you put your all into a guy that you love, you'll do just about anything for him, then he just gets up and decides you're not worth his time anymore. It's one of the most painful things to ever experience, not feeling good enough. After it all goes down everyone tells you (if you are) "You're a Christian, God's got you." "Why are you worrying, you got God" and so on...

But, let me tell you something, WE'RE NOT PERFECT!

I dated (using that term loosely) a guy for a long time, A guy that I was in love with and would have done anything for. This guy saved my life, along with a few others. He helped me find God, would stay up all night and sit there with me as I would cry all night long, even if he had a test the next day. Originally it started out as a beautiful friendship, from going to the park to talk to Starbucks, to just playing pranks on each other and laughing till tears came out of my eyes. After we both went home for the summer we continued to talk every day on the phone for hours on hours, I would actually make sure I had no plans during the time we talked every day because I enjoyed talking to him so much.

After summer ended we both went back to school and finally got to reconnect. I felt like I was on cloud 9 with how happy I was to see him again. Then one night things took a turn and we became more than just friends. We weren't necessarily dating, but we were definitely not just friends either. I was perfectly o.k. with this, though. Honestly, I thought he would be the one. A great Christian guy, strong in his faith, friendly, actually cared about me and others, had a smile that would brighten up the whole room, a laugh that was contagious, eyes that were so hazel they looked like the sea, and most of all one of the strongest relationships with God I had ever witnessed. He was perfect in my eyes.

As the semester went on we started hanging out more and more to the point where we were with each other in all the free time we had but, that's where things got messy. I had the philosophy that if I wasn't perfect he would leave me which terrified me more than anything. I remember some nights not sleeping out of fear of what I would do without him. So eventually me trying to be perfect for him ruined it. from the lies to hiding things, to just not being me anymore. I had come so far in my relationship with God to throw it all away and choosing sin over God. Long story short everything got so messy he eventually left. That night I faced more heartbreak than I ever have in my life before, to the point I didn't wanna live anymore. How unhealthy is that? that I was so upset over a guy that I didn't want to live anymore. For months and months, literally up until two months ago I was depressed, severely depressed. I started partying again, dating whoever, doing whatever, anything to feel wanted by another guy or take the pain away even if it was only for a little. Well let me tell you something, IT DOESN'T WORK!

After all that happened I made new friends at Cairn University and told them EVERYTHING. They helped me see that I had lost sight of God and his plan for me. I needed to get back into praying regularly, reading my bible, and just be thankful for everything he has done for me, because in reality we as humans deserve nothing but, God loves us anyway! How great is that?!

Although I am not friends with this guy anymore I will say this. He has still been one of the best things that ever happened to me. If I never met him I don't know where I would be today. If he ever reads this I hope that you know I am sorry for the lies and secrets and I hope one day to be friends again because I miss that more than anything. I will also say to anyone reading this, always choose God! When you start to walk away from him, that's when your life starts to fall apart. If you keep your eyes on him though and follow him with all your heart, you have nothing to lose because he has better plans for you! God Bless

XOXO